Donald Trump and the Frog and the Scorpion

Some people are expressing surprise that President Donald J.Trump may be a racist after he gave cover to violent White supremacists groups like the KKK after the Charlottesville tragedy—really?

Since Trump doubled down on comments equating anti-fascist protesters with neo-Nazis and White nationalists, the new outrage expressed by business leaders—and especially the GOP—brings to mind the story of the Scorpion and the Frog.

In the ancient fable a frog and a scorpion are sitting on the side of the river. The scorpion, who wants to cross the river but can’t swim, asks the frog to carry him on his back across the river.

“Why should I carry you?” the frog asks the scorpion, “You will sting me.”

The scorpion responds to the frogs objection and says, “It’s not in my interest to sting you, I don’t want to drown either.”

“OK,” says the frog, and they began to cross the river, but halfway across, the scorpion stings the frog. As the frog and scorpion drown the frog asks the scorpion, “Why, why did you sting me after you said you wouldn’t?”

“It’s just my nature,” the scorpion says with his final breath.

Like the frog in the story, Trump’s supporters and enablers are feeling his sting now that they put him in office, but should we excuse them for putting him there now that they are supposedly just discovering his true nature?

Donald Trump’s racist nature has been known and extensively reported on for decades (see our reporting from March 2016): Starting In 1979 Wayne Barrett has reported on Trump’s business dealings including a federal lawsuit against him for housing discrimination. Barret also reported on the President’s father Fred Trump and his racist past including his appearance at a KKK rally in New York in 1927.

The New Jersey, real estate scorpion: Centruroides Trumpus

Even if you don’t know about the Trump family’s racist past, how about the fact that Candidate Donald Trump launched his  presidential campaign by calling Mexicans “murderers and rapists”; then the candidate took days to disavow the support of David Duke and the KKK; Once elected his first executive order was a Muslim ban that has mostly been slapped down by the courts.

So to all the people who are just now realizing that our President has some racist thought and history behind his behavior, your shock and outrage lack credibility—after all—who couldn’t see this train wreck coming?

Donald Trump Jr. Exposed as Alien Clone of The President After Email Dump

Donald Trump Jr.—The orange doesn’t fall far from the tree.

After Mini Donald released emails implicating himself in the secret back channel pipeline of gravy from a certain fast food chain to Chris Christie’s Govorner’s mansion, White House aides have started a whisper campaign saying that Donald Jr. is not really the presidents son.

An anonymous source, who only wishes to be identified as Deep Scrote, explains why the inner circle has kept the cloning a secret till now.

“The fact that White House operators are talking at all about Jr. being a clone and therefore expendable in the eyes of the president, is a sign that they’re going to throw him under the bus in the GravyGate scandal, otherwise they would keep that a closely guarded secret.”

“Ivanka and Eric have nothing to worry about if they are his real kids—they’re probably not clones of the president at least.”

This reporter has previously written about the claims that aliens helped Donald Trump win the presidency—now—according to Deep Scrote, the same aliens made Donald a clone of himself in the form of Donald Jr.

“The president did not want his alien clone to be as tall or as good looking as himself and was very pleased with the modifications to his clone. But if he can push the blame for the email/meeting scandal on Donald Jr. he can just have the aliens make him another clone.”

As the world comes to grips with the possibility of alien created Trump cloning technology, scientists and theologians have begun the arguments over the ethical, scientific and social implication of the unfolding story.

Politicians have been reluctant to weigh in on the scandal, but when Donald Jr. not only shares the presidents looks, mannerisms and penchant for self incrimination (certainly out doing Mitt Romney’s calls for self deportation), even President Trump’s strongest supporters have been unable to refute the latest allegations, instead saying nothing illegal happened.

Sebastian Gorka in an oh-so-over-the-top sounding British accent did just that:

“There is nothing illegal at all about getting opposition research from space aliens or letting them make a clone for you, there is absolutely nothing illegal or unethical here.”

Senator John McCain (R-alzheimers) awoke from a narcoleptic slumber to decry vampirism in the White House (last months story) before his memory caught up to the present and he went back to sleep.

Trump defender Steve King (R-asshole) also spoke out in defense the President.

“Well the president’s been saying illegal aliens cost him the popular vote in the election, but if it turns out aliens actually helped him win and provided a clone for his own personal amusement, we should look at impeaching Hillary for not reporting it during the election campaign.”

For now the Trump family is playing along with the fiction that Donald Jr. is Big Donald’s son, but only time will tell how safe his position in the Trump family is as the question still remains as to what will happen to Donald Jr. in light of his self incriminating email dump.

Mitch McConnell Wants Healthcare Passed Before Winter Hibernation

Even if they are warriors, most box turtles still need to hibernate in winter for an optimal immune system.

Box Turtles in Kentucky stop eating and start getting sluggish sometime in the month of October, and that’s why Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell desperately needs to pass an alternative to Obamacare by September.

Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell knows that GOP members in both the House and Senate are feeling pressure to continue trying to ram a repeal and replacement bill through and to the president’s desk. If they have to go back into session before spring, McConnell will not be there for his crucial leadership role nor can he vote in the Senate where Republicans only have a two vote margin to pass their proposed TreasonCare bill.

President Trump and other GOP stalwarts actually used global warming as an argument as to why the Senate Majority leader doesn’t need to hibernate in winter anymore.

At 3am the president blasted out a series of tweets that read:

“Not that it’s human caused, but they say because the winters are warmer that box turtles don’t hibernate that much anymore. And besides Mitch is part Galapagos turtle and I hear they don’t hibernate at all. So he CAN and should work through a winter session if they can’t get a bill on my desk by September.”

Tatum  Rowlen is one of the top terrapinologists (turtle scientists) in the world and she spoke to this reporter by phone about the claims that McConnell can work through the winter.

“There are some partial truths to what people are saying about turtles and global warming: Yes many box turtles in the US are experiencing shorter winter hibernation periods, but that compromises their immune systems if they miss too many deep winter sleeps. Less advantaged turtles in Kentucky can’t afford to migrate north to colder climates in the winter like Mitch McConnell and other turtles do, and McConnell has been going further north into Canada for the winters. True he is half Galapagos turtle, but his immune system is more like a box turtle’s and that’s why he needs that winter reset, especially at the advanced age of 197.”

 

Ivanka Trump in Trouble With Vatican For Reproducing Shroud of Turin on Bikini

The controversial Ivankini™ which uses a pattern from the shroud of Turin (details blurred).

First Ivanka Trump’s fashion company was sued for copying a chastity shoe (left foot only) made by FashionIkon in Transylvania. Now Ivanka Trump Collections™ is in hot water with the Vatican and true believers in the miracle of the shroud of Turin for the way ITC used an image of the shroud.

ITC had already raised a few eyebrows with it’s “Put Your Faith In Their Face” fashion line that features an image of the famous shroud on overpriced socks, scarves and t-shirts (CrucifixTee $112 MSRP). That in itself is no big deal: even in Turin, Italy, home to the remnants of the shroud, you can buy hats, puzzles, and coffee mugs with an image of the shroud.

The trouble came about when Ivanka’s fashion company “strategically” placed the holy image on a bikini (Ivankini™ $279 MSRP)–that crossed a line with Pope Francis, Catholics, and vampires everywhere.

Vatican Spokesman, Monsignor Stacy Oleg, expressed his dismay to reporters while accidentally admitting to the existence of a secret Vatican security force. “You would think Ivanka would have at least sent us a few samples from their line–I mean for the Sisters of Joanna who often have to work undercover in civilian clothing.”

So was Monsignor Oleg’s admission of the existence of the Sisters of Joanna really an accident–or is it a warning to Ivanka and others who might abuse the privilege of reproducing holy images for profit?

Ivanka’s legions of her father’s former lawyers (she at least still pays them) blamed a rogue designer for the Ivankini, they also claim the designer retired to Venezuela and has since died.

After major chains like Drecker’s, Marcy’s, and even Scam’s club dropped Ivanka’s line, consumers flocked to dollar stores to snap up items from Ivanka’s “Faith” collection, some collectors bought every Ivankini™ in stock.

According to collector Chip Konami it was a real opportunity.

“I think decades from now the Invanka Bikini will be a real window into the times we currently live in. Even if the value never increases, which I kind of doubt, when can you buy a piece of history for a dollar?”

Robert Mueller Lets His Antlers Grow Ahead of Looming Trump Battle

Mueller’s fans say he can beat President Trump in any format with or without his rack.

Just because it’s been quiet at the special counsel’s office doesn’t mean that a fight isn’t brewing between President Trump and Robert Mueller. Mueller’s new rack, normally neatly trimmed, is proof enough that he expects to meet the president mano a mano at some point.

It’s not clear yet if they will meet in a WWE wrestling format or an MMA style match-up, though Trump would clearly be at a disadvantage in the unscripted MMA format where real fighting skills matter.

Sources close to Mueller say he can handle Trump in any format and that letting his antlers grow is all part of his mental game of dominating his opponent before he even gets in the ring.

Fight commentator Jimmie Plumme told this reporter that Mueller is wise to gear up for a fight after Trump’s mostly successful Media Smack Down Tour.

“The media just wasn’t prepared for the ferocity of Trump’s attack and the loyalty of his supporters. Mueller has been watching and learning and he’s already rallied millions to his side without saying a single word to the public—and by the way women love his impressive rack and correspondingly support Mueller by a two to one margin over the president.”

Will the antlers make a difference for Mueller?

“Absolutely they will,”  Plumme tells us. “Even if the format is Sumo, Mueller can literally cage someone with his antlers, but it’s also important for him to keep Trump from goring him with those horns, which are rumored to harbor drug resistant Ukrainian spirochetes.”

Las Vegas odds makers are already giving Mueller the advantage in any potential battle between the two titans, citing the presidents lack of stamina in his light saber battle with Barrack Obama.

Secret Audio Tape Reveals GOP Culture of Reporter Body Slamming

At a GOP auction for bankers and health insurance providers, Paul Ryan was recorded touting the body slamming abilities of certain senators. Apparently the senators and congressmen with the best stats for reporter body slamming auctioned off for the most money: celebrated senator Evan Jenkins brought in a whopping $750,000 for the GOP fundraising event.

GOP members warm up for a press briefing.

GOP leaders have denied that any kind of bragging about body slamming reporters has ever happened–that was until the New York Times released audio tape from the event, then House and Senate leaders were forced to confess, but insisted it was all in jest.

Paul Ryan was preparing to have an ad for a major defense contractor tattooed on his forehead, but took time to talk to the press about the controversial GOP fundraiser.

“The idea that we would really auction ourselves off to special interest groups is just ridiculous, the auction is part of the show for donors, the Democrats have these silly themed fundraisers too. But on the serious side of this issue, the ability to body slam an opponent? Well, our constituents see that as strength against our enemies like ISIS, Russia, and a free press–and there’s no shame in extolling our American values.”

Reporters and journalists have made claims in the past that there is an insidious GOP culture of physically attacking reporters who persist with inconvenient questions. Those reports never gained much traction until the NY Times tapes.

Now over sixty five reporters have come forward with various stories from the now ubiquitous body slamming, to claims of sexual harassment.

One reporter who only wants to be identified as THX-1138, said he was body slammed twice by Kelly Ayotte outside of a New Hampshire gymnasium when he tried to ask her a follow up question to an answer she gave inside at a town hall meeting.

“I called the cops and when Sheriff Marko ‘The Greek’ got there he just laughed it off and said I was a wimp for letting a woman body slam me.”

Nancy Pelosi led the charge from hyperventilating Democrats who are demanding that DOJ officials launch an investigation into the matter after reports that GOP scouts are now looking for recruits from the wrestling programs of high schools and colleges.

“This is an unprecedented attack on and intimidation of our free press, fortunately there is still the foreign press to shine some light of sanity on our political process.”

Newt Gingrich defended the GOP body slammers when he appeared on Meat the Press this weekend.

“This non-story is mere fabricated outrage from the left, but we can actually trace it directly to the Obama/Clintonista cartel and the tone they have set. There is no sport or culture in the GOP of body slamming reporters. It has happened a few times–I’ll admit, and in those few times I understand the frustration of our politicians wanting to throw them to the ground whenever reporters dare to challenge the values of real Americans.”

Jeff Sessions Returns to His Elfin Village

Sessions may go back to shilling cookies for a bakery near his village.

Embattled US Attorney General Jeff Sessions has left Washington to be with his people in the Village of Pelthor* deep in an Alabama forest.

Sessions returns to his stomping grounds as a hometown hero for rising to the level of US Attorney General in a village where most elves can only hope to get a job at Kiebler Kookie Kompany in nearby Fontaine.

Amid a cloud of controversy surrounding the Trump administration’s back channel contacts with a certain fast food fried chicken chain, Sessions’ return to his village has fueled speculation that he may not return to Washington and will tender his resignation to the president.

Publicly the president and the Attorney General have said there is no rift, but in private, Trump is screaming about Sessions to his aides, “Let him stay in his effin’ village.”

The Mayor of Pelthor, Erl Dolf, said the village and the nearby bakery have prepared a warm welcome in hopes of luring Sessions to take his old job again as Kompany spokes-elf.

“Jethenor Hubryxon [Sessions’ true elven name] is one of our most celebrated and popular spokesman, I actually hope he will consider coming back from Washington for good.”

 

*Named for–but not actually the same place where elves, half-elves, and quadrelves joined forces to defeat the armies of the evil megalic troll king, Aknoth of Baernthyr

Ivanka Trump Blasts “Cruel and Vicious” Media Reports of Family Vampirism and Abuse

Ivanka Trump rebukes her critics.

As she bit the head off of a chinchilla and drank its blood, Ivanka Trump called out the media for what she sees as harsh treatment of her father.

“Some of the stories about my family I won’t even dignify with a comment–I just can’t believe the viciousness of the reporting.”

One of the stories Ivanka is most likely referring to is a tale of deep dysfunction and perversion within the Trump family.

While the media have long insinuated that Donald Trump has abused Ivanka in some way, the Washington Post published a story this week that details some of the alleged abuse.

In the WP story, anonymous sources say that Ivanka trump was forced by her father to sing Happy Birthday like Marylin Monroe on Donald’s birthday starting when Ivanka was nine (so The Don had already been entertaining thoughts of becoming president).

By the time Ivanka was thirteen, she had grown defiant and reportedly bit her father savagely on the ankle when he demanded that she sing again on his fifty-third birthday. Supposedly that was the last time Donald Trump ever tried to make his daughter sing or perform for him again.

The story broke because New York state law says hospitals must make a police report any time they have a patient suffering from a human bite. Apparently the Post dug up an old police report from 1994 that corroborates that Trump’s personal physician took him to the Manhattan Emergency Medical Center on his birthday for treatment and stitches “on the upper ankle area due to an accidental human bite.”

Senator John McCain (R-Alzheimer’s) expressed concern over the implications of vampirism in the White House and had another brain aneurysm while leading a crusade to distract from the accusations against the First Daughter.

McCain barely mumbled his incoherent objections to the story before going back to sleep.

“I don’t understand how the FBI cleared Hillary Clinton of charges of vampirism, yet is reluctant to do so for President’s Trump’s wife, I mean President Kushner’s wife…”

Al Franken (D-stealth comb over) was promoting his new book “Vampires of the Senate” and talked to CNN’s Jake Tapper about Ivanka.

“First, I want everyone to know that the title of the book is tongue in cheek, I don’t really believe the Senate is full of vampires. Now do I believe in them and do I think Ivanka could be a vampire? Absolutely yes.”

“But now her lawyers are saying she can’t possibly be a vampire because she’s Jewish–look I’m Jewish and I worked in comedy and then SNL of all places, so I know vampires when I see them, and I’ve known plenty of Jewish vampires too. Now her father is no vampire, I think he is just massively incompetent.”

“Anyway,” Franken continued, “we’re asking the appropriate committees to subpoena Ivanka’s dental records and we also want to have our medical examiner look at the scars on Donald Trump’s ankle to compare the two. We need to know if this story is true and the American people need to know if a vampire is advising the President of the United States.”

Vampire expert Lucy Dalt says the vampire genes are a recessive trait that can express themselves differently through the generations.

“Sometimes the vampire genes skip a generation or two, we know her grandmother, Donald Trump’s mom, immigrated to the US on a ship called the Transylvania, that must mean something.”

“And besides—the story of Ivanka biting her father makes perfect sense if we’re talking genetic vampirism as opposed to the acquired type: In the genetic type the vampire genes will express themselves as the subject matures sexually.”

Colonel Sanders Testifies Before House Intel Committee

Potentially pitting the President of the United States against the grandfatherly icon of fast food chicken, Colonel Sanders testified before an oxymoronic House Intelligence Committee while a transfixed world watched on television.

Colonel Sanders is seen walking with his attorney Chabot Sanders. The two are not related.

In the unfolding scandal from the 2016 election, several rogue KFC executives and Chris Christie established a direct pipeline of KFC gravy that fed from five of the fast food restaurants and went directly to Christie’s Govorner’s Mansion.

Attorney for the Colonel, Chabot Sanders (no relation), has insisted for weeks that his client had no prior knowledge of the KFC back channel, and said Sanders only testified because of the congressional subpoena.

As the Colonel entered the committee room and took a seat, many at the hearing reflexively drooled since the Colonel himself so strongly personifies his delicious fried chicken.

Devin Nunes, (R-White House waterboy) pushed the Colonel to admit that he had no direct knowledge of collusion between KFC execs and Chris Christie or any other Trump surrogates.

“Of course, this was all done with out any approval from me,” the fast food uber-icon said, “I’m just a figurehead, OK?. You all know I’m an actor right? My name is actually Calendre Olsson. I found out about this stuff the same way most people did: I read it in the paper.”

At that point the committee room nearly broke out into a Texas legislative brawl: upon hearing the news of Sanders’ testimony, House Democrats swamped the hearing room and disrupted the proceedings to accuse Devin Nunes of knowingly wasting time with an irrelevant witness just to slow walk the Chickengate investigation for the benefit of the Trump administration.

An exasperated Nancy Pelosi (D-Apoplectic) spoke to Capital Hill reporters about the hearing without her face ever moving or changing expression.

“We still don’t know what the president knew about the KFC gravy pipeline and when he knew it, and for all we know they could have set up something like that to Trump Tower, but it’s all going to have to wait now thanks to Congressman Nunes. We won’t know until we can get some real testimony from people with actual first hand knowledge of events.”

Trump Punks World: It’s All Just a Reality TV Show Folks

A Screenshot from Trump Fools World on Russian television.

Completely unknown to the Western world and even our so called “intelligence agencies”, it seems the Trump presidency has been a hit reality TV show in Russia and North Korea for an entire year.

Trump Fools World is the popular new show produced by Russian RT News in partnership with Trump International Talent.

The season finale features President Trump pulling the ultimate punk on the planet by pulling out of the Paris accords, thereby dooming the world to decades of hot air from screaming liberals and wacko lefty environmentalist types.

In the wake of the Russian revelations Trump has assembled a team of entertainment lawyers. The president’s attorneys don’t actually specialize in entertainment law, they are just there for the entertainment of the president so he can then he ignore their advice.

One of the presidents defenders and top advisers, Susana Bird, spoke to CNN’s Jerrionda Mayersky.

“This is good TV, and I think president has set new standard for reality show, nyet, nobody is going to top this ratings very soon.”

Cable providers in the US and UK have scrambled to add RT-News to their menu in the face of unprecedented demand for Trump Fools World. Incidents of physical hacking of cable company networks are on the rise as people can’t wait until Trump International Talent makes a deal with Netflix.

Typically, Trump bragged about his ratings in early morning tweets while claiming a monetary win for himself and his businesses.

“No one has ever had better ratings than me in Russia and they tell me in North Korea too. My media company is going to make billions. As for the Paris accords, people are going to be thanking me one day for bringing 70 coal jobs back to America.”