Secret Audio Tape Reveals GOP Culture of Reporter Body Slamming

At a GOP auction for bankers and health insurance providers, Paul Ryan was recorded touting the body slamming abilities of certain senators. Apparently the senators and congressmen with the best stats for reporter body slamming auctioned off for the most money: celebrated senator Evan Jenkins brought in a whopping $750,000 for the GOP fundraising event.

GOP members warm up for a press briefing.

GOP leaders have denied that any kind of bragging about body slamming reporters has ever happened–that was until the New York Times released audio tape from the event, then House and Senate leaders were forced to confess, but insisted it was all in jest.

Paul Ryan was preparing to have an ad for a major defense contractor tattooed on his forehead, but took time to talk to the press about the controversial GOP fundraiser.

“The idea that we would really auction ourselves off to special interest groups is just ridiculous, the auction is part of the show for donors, the Democrats have these silly themed fundraisers too. But on the serious side of this issue, the ability to body slam an opponent? Well, our constituents see that as strength against our enemies like ISIS, Russia, and a free press–and there’s no shame in extolling our American values.”

Reporters and journalists have made claims in the past that there is an insidious GOP culture of physically attacking reporters who persist with inconvenient questions. Those reports never gained much traction until the NY Times tapes.

Now over sixty five reporters have come forward with various stories from the now ubiquitous body slamming, to claims of sexual harassment.

One reporter who only wants to be identified as THX-1138, said he was body slammed twice by Kelly Ayotte outside of a New Hampshire gymnasium when he tried to ask her a follow up question to an answer she gave inside at a town hall meeting.

“I called the cops and when Sheriff Marko ‘The Greek’ got there he just laughed it off and said I was a wimp for letting a woman body slam me.”

Nancy Pelosi led the charge from hyperventilating Democrats who are demanding that DOJ officials launch an investigation into the matter after reports that GOP scouts are now looking for recruits from the wrestling programs of high schools and colleges.

“This is an unprecedented attack on and intimidation of our free press, fortunately there is still the foreign press to shine some light of sanity on our political process.”

Newt Gingrich defended the GOP body slammers when he appeared on Meat the Press this weekend.

“This non-story is mere fabricated outrage from the left, but we can actually trace it directly to the Obama/Clintonista cartel and the tone they have set. There is no sport or culture in the GOP of body slamming reporters. It has happened a few times–I’ll admit, and in those few times I understand the frustration of our politicians wanting to throw them to the ground whenever reporters dare to challenge the values of real Americans.”

Jeff Sessions Returns to His Elfin Village

Sessions may go back to shilling cookies for a bakery near his village.

Embattled US Attorney General Jeff Sessions has left Washington to be with his people in the Village of Pelthor* deep in an Alabama forest.

Sessions returns to his stomping grounds as a hometown hero for rising to the level of US Attorney General in a village where most elves can only hope to get a job at Kiebler Kookie Kompany in nearby Fontaine.

Amid a cloud of controversy surrounding the Trump administration’s back channel contacts with a certain fast food fried chicken chain, Sessions’ return to his village has fueled speculation that he may not return to Washington and will tender his resignation to the president.

Publicly the president and the Attorney General have said there is no rift, but in private, Trump is screaming about Sessions to his aides, “Let him stay in his effin’ village.”

The Mayor of Pelthor, Erl Dolf, said the village and the nearby bakery have prepared a warm welcome in hopes of luring Sessions to take his old job again as Kompany spokes-elf.

“Jethenor Hubryxon [Sessions’ true elven name] is one of our most celebrated and popular spokesman, I actually hope he will consider coming back from Washington for good.”

 

*Named for–but not actually the same place where elves, half-elves, and quadrelves joined forces to defeat the armies of the evil megalic troll king, Aknoth of Baernthyr

Ivanka Trump Blasts “Cruel and Vicious” Media Reports of Family Vampirism and Abuse

Ivanka Trump rebukes her critics.

As she bit the head off of a chinchilla and drank its blood, Ivanka Trump called out the media for what she sees as harsh treatment of her father.

“Some of the stories about my family I won’t even dignify with a comment–I just can’t believe the viciousness of the reporting.”

One of the stories Ivanka is most likely referring to is a tale of deep dysfunction and perversion within the Trump family.

While the media have long insinuated that Donald Trump has abused Ivanka in some way, the Washington Post published a story this week that details some of the alleged abuse.

In the WP story, anonymous sources say that Ivanka trump was forced by her father to sing Happy Birthday like Marylin Monroe on Donald’s birthday starting when Ivanka was nine (so The Don had already been entertaining thoughts of becoming president).

By the time Ivanka was thirteen, she had grown defiant and reportedly bit her father savagely on the ankle when he demanded that she sing again on his fifty-third birthday. Supposedly that was the last time Donald Trump ever tried to make his daughter sing or perform for him again.

The story broke because New York state law says hospitals must make a police report any time they have a patient suffering from a human bite. Apparently the Post dug up an old police report from 1994 that corroborates that Trump’s personal physician took him to the Manhattan Emergency Medical Center on his birthday for treatment and stitches “on the upper ankle area due to an accidental human bite.”

Senator John McCain (R-Alzheimer’s) expressed concern over the implications of vampirism in the White House and had another brain aneurysm while leading a crusade to distract from the accusations against the First Daughter.

McCain barely mumbled his incoherent objections to the story before going back to sleep.

“I don’t understand how the FBI cleared Hillary Clinton of charges of vampirism, yet is reluctant to do so for President’s Trump’s wife, I mean President Kushner’s wife…”

Al Franken (D-stealth comb over) was promoting his new book “Vampires of the Senate” and talked to CNN’s Jake Tapper about Ivanka.

“First, I want everyone to know that the title of the book is tongue in cheek, I don’t really believe the Senate is full of vampires. Now do I believe in them and do I think Ivanka could be a vampire? Absolutely yes.”

“But now her lawyers are saying she can’t possibly be a vampire because she’s Jewish–look I’m Jewish and I worked in comedy and then SNL of all places, so I know vampires when I see them, and I’ve known plenty of Jewish vampires too. Now her father is no vampire, I think he is just massively incompetent.”

“Anyway,” Franken continued, “we’re asking the appropriate committees to subpoena Ivanka’s dental records and we also want to have our medical examiner look at the scars on Donald Trump’s ankle to compare the two. We need to know if this story is true and the American people need to know if a vampire is advising the President of the United States.”

Vampire expert Lucy Dalt says the vampire genes are a recessive trait that can express themselves differently through the generations.

“Sometimes the vampire genes skip a generation or two, we know her grandmother, Donald Trump’s mom, immigrated to the US on a ship called the Transylvania, that must mean something.”

“And besides—the story of Ivanka biting her father makes perfect sense if we’re talking genetic vampirism as opposed to the acquired type: In the genetic type the vampire genes will express themselves as the subject matures sexually.”

Colonel Sanders Testifies Before House Intel Committee

Potentially pitting the President of the United States against the grandfatherly icon of fast food chicken, Colonel Sanders testified before an oxymoronic House Intelligence Committee while a transfixed world watched on television.

Colonel Sanders is seen walking with his attorney Chabot Sanders. The two are not related.

In the unfolding scandal from the 2016 election, several rogue KFC executives and Chris Christie established a direct pipeline of KFC gravy that fed from five of the fast food restaurants and went directly to Christie’s Govorner’s Mansion.

Attorney for the Colonel, Chabot Sanders (no relation), has insisted for weeks that his client had no prior knowledge of the KFC back channel, and said Sanders only testified because of the congressional subpoena.

As the Colonel entered the committee room and took a seat, many at the hearing reflexively drooled since the Colonel himself so strongly personifies his delicious fried chicken.

Devin Nunes, (R-White House waterboy) pushed the Colonel to admit that he had no direct knowledge of collusion between KFC execs and Chris Christie or any other Trump surrogates.

“Of course, this was all done with out any approval from me,” the fast food uber-icon said, “I’m just a figurehead, OK?. You all know I’m an actor right? My name is actually Calendre Olsson. I found out about this stuff the same way most people did: I read it in the paper.”

At that point the committee room nearly broke out into a Texas legislative brawl: upon hearing the news of Sanders’ testimony, House Democrats swamped the hearing room and disrupted the proceedings to accuse Devin Nunes of knowingly wasting time with an irrelevant witness just to slow walk the Chickengate investigation for the benefit of the Trump administration.

An exasperated Nancy Pelosi (D-Apoplectic) spoke to Capital Hill reporters about the hearing without her face ever moving or changing expression.

“We still don’t know what the president knew about the KFC gravy pipeline and when he knew it, and for all we know they could have set up something like that to Trump Tower, but it’s all going to have to wait now thanks to Congressman Nunes. We won’t know until we can get some real testimony from people with actual first hand knowledge of events.”

Trump Punks World: It’s All Just a Reality TV Show Folks

A Screenshot from Trump Fools World on Russian television.

Completely unknown to the Western world and even our so called “intelligence agencies”, it seems the Trump presidency has been a hit reality TV show in Russia and North Korea for an entire year.

Trump Fools World is the popular new show produced by Russian RT News in partnership with Trump International Talent.

The season finale features President Trump pulling the ultimate punk on the planet by pulling out of the Paris accords, thereby dooming the world to decades of hot air from screaming liberals and wacko lefty environmentalist types.

In the wake of the Russian revelations Trump has assembled a team of entertainment lawyers. The president’s attorneys don’t actually specialize in entertainment law, they are just there for the entertainment of the president so he can then he ignore their advice.

One of the presidents defenders and top advisers, Susana Bird, spoke to CNN’s Jerrionda Mayersky.

“This is good TV, and I think president has set new standard for reality show, nyet, nobody is going to top this ratings very soon.”

Cable providers in the US and UK have scrambled to add RT-News to their menu in the face of unprecedented demand for Trump Fools World. Incidents of physical hacking of cable company networks are on the rise as people can’t wait until Trump International Talent makes a deal with Netflix.

Typically, Trump bragged about his ratings in early morning tweets while claiming a monetary win for himself and his businesses.

“No one has ever had better ratings than me in Russia and they tell me in North Korea too. My media company is going to make billions. As for the Paris accords, people are going to be thanking me one day for bringing 70 coal jobs back to America.”

FBI: Chris Christie Established Back Channel to KFC Early in Trump Campaign

Govorner Christie denies any existence of a back channel with KFC while eating food from one of their competitors.

A bombshell report by the New York Times details an FBI investigation into Chris Christie’s contacts with KFC as early as March 2016 when he advised then presidential candidate Donald Trump.

First son in-law Jared Kushner is also a target in the “chickengate” investigation because of his roles as a former campaign and now presidential advisor.

President Trump, who has publicly touted his love for KFC, tweeted out a denial of any kind of conspiracy.

“No collusion, it’s all fake news. Where were the investigations when Bill Clinton would go jogging just to sneak out to Popeye’s?”

It is not illegal to have contacts with businesses like KFC during an election campaign, and it’s also important to state that the beloved chicken franchise has not been accused of any wrongdoing in the widening scandal. Yet the question remains for the Trump administration as to why Kushner, Christie, and other top yes men failed to report those contacts as required when they applied for a security clearance.

Secretary of Energy Rex Tillerson is also under scrutiny after announcing a deal to allow Chinese energy giant SchenTech Industrial to drill for oil on Chris Christie’s face.

So was drilling Christie for oil always part of the plan, or is it Trump’s retribution against Christie for being the first to get caught lying about KFC?

Republicans and Democrats offered up the usual partisan platitudes regarding the newest constitutional crisis: Democrats were clamoring for impeachment hearings while Republicans avoided the issue by talking about Nancy Pelosi’s face.

Former house Speaker John Boehner (R-cryin’) declared the Trump presidency a disaster.

“They’ve tainted everything with chicken grease, and it’s presented a problem for the White House archivists.”

Boehner’s voice cracked as he sobbed, “The grease will make their job that much harder.”

Kushner and KFC have both offered to talk to the FDA and any investigative committees. Christie, though, has so far refused to say if he will cooperate with authorities, fueling speculation that he may be seeking immunity or a free heart by-pass operation.

“Impeachment Boat” is DizzyLand’s Popular New Ride

Will real life imitate an amusement park ride?

Dystopian theme park DizzyLand has added a President Trump inspired Impeachment Boat to their diverse lineup of fun and satirical rides. Now it’s the most popular ride at DizzyLand and the top search term in the San Diego area.

As this reporter entered the sea-side DizzyLand amusement center, the park mascot Ricky Rat greeted squealing kids amid the smell of sea air and freshly made caramel corn.

Park owner Mary Emoken spotted this reporter immediately and greeted me with an enthusiastic smile and handshake, then took us right to the dock and her new pride the SS Flounder, AKA The Impeachment Boat.

Emoken couldn’t wait to talk about how she developed the new attraction.

“I hired Murder by Dessert to help me write the scenarios and train my staff, so it’s like one of their murder mysteries they put on where the dinner guests take part in the play as well as in solving the murder, only in ours we stage an impeachment trial during the boat ride.”

The boat, essentially a large ferry, was already crowded for the next tour. On deck, was Donald Rat, an actor in a rat costume sporting a giant orange comb-over. He was posing with kids and tourists for pictures. Donald Rat played the role as the Head rat who will be impeached over a Russian cheese scandal.

A familiar music played in the background with the lyric “impeachment’s in the air,” and when asked about it, Emoken answers with a wry smile.

“I licensed the theme song from The Love Boat and had it re-recorded with new lyrics.”

Emoken goes on explaining the Impeachment Boat concept.

“The guests choose sides either for or against impeachment and then they get clues and evidence and then they have to pick a prosecutor or a defense lawyer for their side. But to make it fun and interesting we throw a few wrenches in the trial along the way: halfway through the trial the boat stops so Donald Rat can get a suitcase full of money from the Russian Cheese cartel, then the mock trial resumes.”

But there is still another surprise for the passengers, Emoken told this reporter, “You just have to wait and see,” she said cryptically.

This reporter has been through too many dinner murder mysteries to get very excited about a mock impeachment, but with little choice, I settled in for the hour long tour.

As expected, after the Russian money drop, many guests wanted to switch sides but were stuck defending Donald Rat as the trial resumed.

One guest, Mike Ambrosio, explained how his niece and nephew were disgusted in the second half of the trial.

“They are three and four years old and almost cried when they understood that Donald Rat took money from some bad hombres. But they’re still having as much fun as the adults are for sure.”

Just as Donald Rat’s fate was to go to a full vote, Emoken’s second surprise arrived as a crew member shouted, “Pirates! Four o’clock!”

The crew ran to the side of the boat and some passengers even screamed as an inflatable boat filled with brown skinned men sped to the Flounder. As the pirates closed on our location, we could see the men were carrying Super Soakers and water balloons, then the crew broke out their own squirt guns and handed some to the passengers as well. The pirates tried to board the Impeachment Boat, but Donald Rat rallied the crew and guests to repel them.

As soon as the excitement of the pirate attack died down, the boat had already returned to dock without a final vote on Donald Rat’s fate.

Theme Park Rating: Five Stars, Parental guidance suggested due to mock violence and strong moral themes.

Carrot Top Declines FBI Director Job

The ideal candidate to lead the FBI has turned down the job, citing his gig in Las Vegas and the implosion of the Trump presidency as the reasons. But Washington insiders tell this reporter that Carrot Top, AKA Scott Thompson, felt slighted by Republicans who stymied his bid for Vice President after Trump won his parties nomination.

Comedian Carrot Top had his publicity people prepare the above graphic for this story.

Now it seems some of the same GOP members who thought Carrot Top was too lightweight for the VP job, now see him as the perfect easily controlled non-partisan candidate to head the FBI.

In Las Vegas, the beloved orange comedian used some of his props at his sold out show to address his brief foray into politics.

During part of his routine, he pulled out some orange baseball caps that were printed with “Make America Orange” and threw them out to a thrilled audience, while he said, “I won’t be needing these anymore.”

Then Thompson unfolded a T-shirt that said “Orange Is The New Stupid,” and threw some of those out to an even more frenzied audience.

As he held up a pair of sweatpants with Hillary Clinton’s face printed on the seat, Thompson explained to the raucous crowd:

“These are chastity pants for prison. Seriously, would you do anyone who was wearing these? I won’t need these either, so I’m sending them to the White House.”

Thompson spoke to this reporter after his show and explained his perspective on his nomination to head the FBI.

“People want to say I’m turning down the FBI job because I’m bitter about not being Trump’s VP, but nothing could be further from the truth: I’ve just realized I’m happy right where I’m at. I feel like I dodged a bullet by not getting the vice president job, just look at all the turmoil and investigations at the White House now. And besides, do you know what they do to gingers in prison?”

Trump Shared Nuclear Codes With Russians

A spokesperson said the president did not reveal classified information when he told the Russians Ivanka Trump’s measurements

Showing that he can give and take when dealing with other world leaders, President Trump revealed the nations nuclear launch codes to the Russian ambassador while bragging about the US’s nuclear capability.

A concerned person who was in the room when the meeting occurred, confirmed with Pentagon officials that the launch code was the president’s birthday, which by the time of this writing, has surely been changed.

The person who leaked the report also said that President Trump gave a brief history of the codes to the Russians.

“He said, ‘Well first I had the code set to Obama’s birthday, but because nothing on his birth certificate is real anyway, I couldn’t remember it. Then I had them change it to my birthday, and with Kim Jong Un, you never know, so I like a code I can remember real easy and quick. I might use Ivanka’s measurements next time I change the codes.'”

Trump defended his sharing of the information with the Russians in an early morning tweet.

“The point I was making with the Russians is that they don’t know what our codes could be, but it won’t be something stupid like 1-2-3-4-5 like in that movie Spaceballs.”

To counter widespread skepticism of candidate Trump ahead of last years elections, GOP Senate and House leaders promised to spank Donald Trump if he misused his access to the nations nuclear weapons. So far Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan have been silent on Trump’s treasonous sharing of the classified information with the Russians.

Predictably, frenzied Democrats called for an independent investigation into Trump’s relationship with the truth and a review of White House security protocols.

Security expert Monty Carp said such simple pass codes are easily cracked, and that the president needs to use much more secure passwords.

“When you get in to using birthdays or a woman’s measurements for pass codes, you really narrow down the search for hackers to just a few thousand or even just a few hundred possibilities. That kind of low-level brute force cracking can be calculated in a few microseconds by a third grader on an average computer, so you know the Russians and any other US adversaries can breach Trump’s Ronald McFondled pass codes to our nuclear infrastructure if they want to.”

President Trump Replaces Supreme Court With American Idol Judges

Little known AI Justice, Jeffriac Binaca, says the president’s Muslim ban is a lawful order.

Sparking yet another constitutional crisis, President Trump has fired the Supreme Court and assembled a panel of current and former American Idol judges to rubber stamp his Cinco de Mayo ban and other controversial policies.

Simon Cowell, Paris Hilton, and Christina Aguilera are the only holdouts yet to sign their loyalty pledges: Cowell claims that previous contractual obligations prevent him from signing the pledge; Aguilera claims diva privileges; and Paris Hilton is having her family’s team of lawyers examine the contract.

But it’s the timing of the Supreme Court’s demise that stinks of a Nixonian cover-up according to top Democrat Chuck Schumer (D-Apoplectic).

“This smacks of obstruction of justice by the president. The Supreme court was set to decide if a shitting president can be sued, so what if the president had his office chair converted to a toilet and claims he is always going to the bathroom and therefore can’t be sued. While it may be unpleasant to be sued while going to the bathroom, the fact that you are sitting on a toilet all the time does not inoculate you from lawsuits.”

The president for his part made a veiled threat on Twitter against anyone who might dispute his right to be on the shitter all the time.

“I’m always doing the country’s business, even while doing my own business. Anyone who leaks otherwise, well, they better hope the audio tapes don’t come out.”

Fired Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg caused an uproar after commenting on the president’s method of delivering the news of their firing.

“I can’t believe he sent the letter by bike messenger, it’s so insulting, why didn’t he just send it by camel?”

The former justice later apologized and said she did not mean to suggest that the work bike messengers do is not important.

House majority leader Paul Ryan was silent for a full twenty four hours before sharing his thoughts with reporters about the president’s new court.

“I can’t control what American Idol judges are going to do, so I’m concentrating on what I can control. Now excuse me, I have to go to the men’s room.”

Other GOP leaders, like Senator Lindsey Graham (R-only half insane), were more enthusiastic with their praise for the new reality TV based court.

“Instead of one or two nominations in his term to an increasingly partisan and out of touch Supreme Court, the president has injected fresh energy into the judicial process with this new Court of the White House.

Senate scarecrow Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell had little to say about Trump’s new court, other than putting the blame on Democrats for impeding the implementation of the president’s executive orders.

“Have you seen Nancy Pelosi’s face? That’s the look of too much Botox or something, and that’s why the president doesn’t need all these tiresome checks and balances on his authority.”