audience at cinco de mayo concert

2016 Cinco de Mayo Celebrations Go All Out In Case Of A Trump Ban

Twenty six year old Hunter Young of Boulder Colorado doubts that Donald Trump will be president in 2017, but like many in the US, he’s planning to make the 2016 Cinco de Mayo celebration a blow out, just in case.

Talking to a TS reporter, Young said, “Man, I knew this Trump was a hater when he started talking about a ban on Cinco de Mayo. For this year’s party we’re already stocked up on Mexican beers in case there’s a run on them right before Cinco de Mayo.”

audience at cinco de mayo concert
Concert goers in Austin Texas raise five fingers in support of Cinco de Mayo.

Young’s fears in fact have merit: already spot shortages of Mexican beer are occurring in some US markets, especially those with large Mexican and Latino populations.

Maloof distributors in Albuquerque, New Mexico said there would be no problems for them or other distributors. George Maloof SR. told The Spoof by phone, “We’ve seen rising sales of Mexican beers ever since Donald Trump started talking about a banning them and Cinco de Mayo, but we’ve had no problem meeting the demand, we knew this would be a big year because of the political climate”

When Maloof was asked what he thought about Trump’s proposed ban, Maloof laughed and said, “There are so many other things that have to happen before a president Trump could happen. OK, so let’s say he wins and tries to enact a ban on Cinco de Mayo, he would face so many lawsuits from businesses, it could never happen.”

Or could it?

HPV vaccine in a syringe

Donald Trump Confuses HPV with HIV

At a news conference Sunday, Donald Trump confused HPV with HIV and insisted there was a vaccine available to prevent HIV.

HPV vaccine in a syringe
Donald Trump claimed that a vaccine is available for HIV, when he probably meant the vaccine for HPV.

“Now they want to vaccinate kids as young as twelve years old for HIV, and it’s like telling them it’s OK to go and have sex, it’s just disgusting. That’s besides the fact that we need to stop all vaccinations until we know what’s happening with the autism.”

Norman Walter at the CDC headquarters in Washington DC, responded to Trump’s comments, “First it’s important to say that Donald Trump is promoting an already debunked idea of a link between vaccinations and autism.” Walter continued, “So while an HIV vaccine is not available yet, we think a breakthrough is very close. That said, we do recommend the HPV vaccine for everyone starting at age 12, it’s important to make sure people are already immunized, especially before people normally become sexually active. This is a vaccine that will prevent cancers and save lives.”

The next day at a Trump news briefing in Pennsylvania, AP reporter Paul Wigginston tried to ask about the mix up. Trump cut him off mid-question saying: “I guess it’s politically correct now to call HIV HPV, and the thing is, you all know, I don’t do PC.”

Chinese Trump Toilets Are Real, Will Donald Trump Sue?

logo of Shenzen Trump Industrial company Limited
Above is the actual logo of Shenzhen Trump Industrial Co. Ltd. an high-end toilet manufacturer. Below is what happened when our graphics department got a hold of it.

chinese-trump-toilet-logoIn the “we’re not making this up” category, a Chinese toilet company, Shenzhen Trump Industrial Co. Ltd., uses a logo where the “U” in Trump is a toilet seat. Even more striking, the toilet seat is so reminiscent of Donald Trump’s lower lip, this reporter was convinced that the whole story and logo were made up, after all, satire is one of our mainstays here and we appreciate a good hoax when we see one.

When our team of crack-addled investigators started checking, it seems that Shenzhen Trump Industrial Co. Ltd. is in fact a legit high end toilet manufacturer in China. The Chinese firm makes specialty toilet seats and even an auto-changing toilet seat cover, and that is why a toilet seat features prominently in their logo.

One of our net geek/investigators pointed out that the company has had a web presence since 2006 as documented by The WayBack Machine. So unless someone started a fake website in 2006, or conspired to get The WayBack Machine to fake a website history, this is real.

This story also says something about the Chinese attitude towards imitation, appropriation and outright theft of brands and intellectual property: it’s just business as usual, and no doubt the addition of Trump to the company’s name was meant to suggest the high degree of quality that Donald Trump projects in his brands.

So what now? The story first appeared in The Global Times on March 18th and we’re pushing the story and our graphic hard.

For Trump it’s doubtful that he would have much luck trying to sue the Chinese firm. According to our team of legal analysts, having Trump in their company name is legal as long as they are not confusing their brand with a Donald Trump brand or implying his endorsement of their product.

At the least the Shenzhen Trump Industrial Co. Ltd. should get a lot of attention now that they share a name with a US presidential candidate.

We can’t wait to see what the late night comedians do with this one, the Donald Trump Reality Candidacy has been a laugh a minute.

 

 

 

Ahead Of 2016 RNC Trump Trademarks “Trump Supporters Riot™”

In a shrewd business move Donald Trump has applied for trademark status for the three word phrase “Trump Supporters Riot™.” Now, whenever a newspaper or website uses the phrase Trump supporters riot™, the “™” symbol must appear and a licensing fee must be paid to Donald Trump’s publishing company.

Critics ridiculed Trump’s move as predatory and many publishers have defied the trademark claim saying it violates both freedom of speech and freedom of press laws. One of our own publishers, The Spoof, also thought the claim would not stand a legal challenge and declined to use the symbol or arrange licensing.

In another show of defiance, the hashtag #trumpsupportersriot™  was started by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters and is trending. Frustrated that he can’t bully the entire world’s media, Trump angrily tweeted, “Copyright infringers are losers and my publishing company will sue whoever started the hashtag.”

trump-chinese-toilet
A Chinese firm that manufactures toilets is facing a lawsuit from Donald Trump

In a related story, Chinese toilet manufacturer, Shenzhen Trump Industrial Co Ltd, is also under threat of a lawsuit for the use of the Trump name. The Chinese firm has been in business since 2002 and claims it only heard of Donald Trump in 2015.

Trump supporters and opponents alike have said that trademarking the phrase Trump supporters riot™, shows The Don’s good business acumen. In a rare moment of humility Donald Trump said, “If I’m such a good businessman, I should have applied for trademark protection sooner, I’m just glad that Ted Cruz didn’t do it first.”

Regardless of the outcome, Trump has brilliantly positioned himself to come out on top: If Trump supporters riot™ at the RNC or anytime in the future, he gets all the licensing fees from the news reporting; If they don’t, he can claim a statesman like status for preventing any further violence in his name.

 

Businessman wearing a gas mask

Terrorists Target Trump Tower With Stink Bomb

Donald Trump called the people who unleashed a horrible smell in Trump Tower terrorists, “These people—terrorists probably they’re with ISIS, have attacked me personally because they are afraid of what I’ll do to them once I’m president .”

NYPD declined to call the incident terrorism, their spokesman Rob Lovato said, “Some pranksters gained access to the buildings ventilation system, and poured at least a bucket of Liquid Ass in a utility room where the vapors could get sucked in to the intakes.”

Businessman wearing a gas mask
People at Trump Tower New York were evacuated after a stink bombing, some residents refused to take their gas masks even after NYPD declared the danger over.

The smell was so bad it caused the evacuation of Trump Tower in the middle of the day, with residents and visitor evacuees blocking street traffic. Eventually the smell spread out for blocks prompting thousands of additional calls to 911. Lovato described the incident, “This stuff [Liquid Ass] is stinky but not really toxic, but that said, the concentration of stench that permeated Trump Tower caused a lot of vomiting and headaches. One person heaved so violently that they were actually hospitalized with muscle and eye injuries.”

Google searches for Liquid Ass, as well as sales of the malodorous concoction, spiked through the roof Tuesday night after the prank. People have described the smell as intensely Matthew McConaughey like, or like the nastiest dirtiest shittiest ass ever.

Though residents were given the OK to return, few could stomach the still lingering odor and most went elsewhere for the night.

The immigrants rights group LUAT, Latinos United Against Trump, claimed credit for the stink bombing, yet Trump vowed to punish ISIS for the incident when he is President.

Ted Cruz as the Mona Lisa

Will Trump Supporters Embrace Cruz If He Gets RNC Nomination?

Ted Cruz as the Mona Lisa
Will Trump supporters back Ted Cruz if he gets the GOP nomination?

Supporters of the insurgent campaigns of  Ted Cruz and Donald Trump have many things in common, but that doesn’t  mean Trump supporters will back Cruz if he gets the GOP nomination.

Already conservative bloggers and their constituents, cock sure of the inevitability of  a Trump presidency, are floating conspiracy theories should Trump not make it to the White House, or even secure the GOP nomination: The GOP elites stole it from him; The lamestream* media only tells lies about him; Hillary is a surrogate of the Satanic Anti-Trump forces—bought and paid for. The theories never end.

Trump supporters likely will never have to make the choice between their savior and Lyin’ Ted Cruz: Donald Trump will surely mount a third party run if he doesn’t get the GOP’s endorsement, his ego simply will not allow otherwise. Trump supporters will get their ride on the Trump wave until it ultimately crashes on the rocks of the 2016 general election.

Dump Trump And Lose With Cruz

trump-rnc-icebergIf the eventual GOP candidate loses to Hillary Clinton as polls are showing, Cruz loses to Clinton by less. Though Cruz is widely despised and even seen as more dangerous than Trump, the GOP’s calculus for nominating him is to save face, stand by conservative principles, and prevent further damage to down-ticket Republicans. Again, factor into this equation a  third party run and both Trump and Cruz lose to Clinton by an even larger margin.

anti-masturbation straight jacket

Christine O’Donnell To Lead Anti-masturbation Effort Under President Trump

 

Appearing together at a campaign rally in South Dakota, Christine O’Donnell and Donald Trump announced their futuristic vision to stop masturbation before it ever happens with a new government agency: The Department Of Pre-jack. After they unveiled the plan to fight self abuse, The Don said of masturbation, “It’s just disgusting if you really think about it.”

With slogans like “Rubbing off is a sin” and “Masturbation is murder,”
Christine O’Donnell outlined plans to rid the country of non-reproductive sex acts as head of the yet to be created agency.

Pre-jack will use the newest predictive technology that can tell who is most likely to masturbate and when they will masturbate. O’Donnell explained: “The Department Of Pre-jack will collect data like web activity, credit card statements, and social media posts, then using heuristic analysis the DOP can issue alerts to law enforcement when a man is going to masturbate.”

anti-masturbation straight jacket
A straight jacket to help your little one keep from self-raping.

O’Donnell spoke after the rally to CNN’s Anderson Cooper who asked O’Donnell why Pre-jack was geared toward stopping men from masturbating but not women. She replied, “Anderson, people need to know that for men and women, masturbation leads to homosexuality and atheism, but it’s especially bad when a man does it because millions of sperms that could become babies die.”

Suppressing laughter, Cooper followed up, “Behaviorists and sex experts tell us that masturbation is a natural human activity, but you say masturbation should be criminalized, and if that’s so, what do you think the penalties should be?”

Responding, O’Donnell said, “Absolutely Cooper, there needs to be penalties for men who self abuse, but hand in hand with the criminal prosecution, there will be abstinence education for teenagers. We need to reach teens and intercept them before they fall victim to a lifetime of godlessness and sterility.”

Anti-masturbation cross
Christine O’Donnell promotes the use of the anti-masturbation cross for younger children to help them develop good Christian values.

O’Donnell is also advocating for the use of the controversial Anti-masturbation Straight Jacket and the Anti-masturbation Cross for younger children. She told Cooper, “If you want your boys to avoid the Pre-jack system and prison time, this wonderful [cross] device keeps young kids from touching their sin parts while it reminds them of our savior Jesus Christ.”

trump with bomb hair " I'll make nuclear winter

Donald Trump Calls Kim Jong-il “Lil’ Kim”

trump with bomb hair " I'll make nuclear winter
Should Donald Trump be entrusted with the codes to our nuclear weapons?

Sparking an international incident while still trying to secure the GOP nomination for president, Donald Trump called the leader of North Korea “Lil’ Kim” several times in a rambling incoherent foreign policy statement, “This guy, Lil’ Kim is a maniac, and we shouldn’t take nuclear off the table when dealing with him.”

Hours later Kim Jong-il  responded to the insults in a televised address. “The Peoples Republic of North Korea has the capability to destroy any American city it chooses, including Manhattan and Trump Tower,” the North Korean leader said, even naming Donald Trumps flagship property.

A severe backlash against Trump came from everyone in the world including the GOP; The RNC’s Reince Priebus, “It’s proof that this candidate should never have his finger on ‘The Button'”; Army Gen. John Campbell, “All military personnel have a duty to disobey illegal and dangerous orders, a Donald Trump presidency raises the possibility of our military chain of command failing during a crucial time in our fight against ISIS”; UK Prime Minister David Cameron, “Donald Trump threatens to undo decades of diplomacy and treaties and start a nuclear war with a nominal power, namely North Korea, for what? So he can make a joke about someone’s name?”

When questioned about the comments by CNN’s Jake Tapper, Trump at first doubled down saying, “Look maybe it’s time we got rid of him, when I’m president I’ll look into that.

Hours later on Twitter, Trump denied ever calling Kim Jong-il “Lil’ Kim”, “The press has very unfairly taken my words out of context: I was talking about the musician Lil’ Kim and how her beats go beyond slammin’, they’re nuclear.”

Special Thanks to Xrhonda Speaks, who contributed to this story.