“Boy George” Trump, The Forgotten Son

As his campaign attempts to humanize Donald Trump with appearances by his family, one member, George Robert Trump, is conspicuously absent.

Donald Trump's son George Robert Trump
“Boy George” Trump, otherwise known as George Robert Trump.

We caught up with the 45 year old “Boy George” Trump in Santa Fe, New Mexico, where he’s lived for the last fifteen years. We met him with his assistant Madeline at Coyote Cafe, an award winning restaurant in the historic downtown district.

Our TS reporter didn’t have to ask Trump about his famous nickname, after exchanging pleasantries, he volunteered: “I know you’re going to run some dreadful story about ‘Boy George Trump.'” Referring to the former pop icon, George R. Trump said, “OK he and I may share a name and a certain style, but you’ve got to have more of a story than that.”

When asked why he has been out of the spotlight he replied, “Oh dear, I think you are finding out now why no one likes to talk to me, I’m insufferable. I’m the real truth teller in the family and they don’t want me saying that my dad just figured out that the state I live in is part of the US. And I find politics and the press annoying, oh, but don’t worry sweetie, you are going to get a good interview. Alright?”

Asked if he supports his fathers candidacy, what followed was one of the most bizarre scenes ever in an interview. George started out “Oh I think having my dad as president would be…” then he apparently passed out and slumped over not even breathing.

His assistant was immediately at his side lightly slapping his face, “George, George, wake up!” This of course was causing concern among the other restaurant goers. “Just bring him some water,” the previously silent assistant ordered the buss girl. Madeline whipped out her phone and told someone “Narcan, now!” Another assistant must have been waiting nearby because in 20 seconds a small brunette dressed in black yoga gear handed a small pouch to Madeline and she prepared an injection for the gurgling George Trump.

The shot took effect immediately and George took a deep breath, sat up, and amazingly continued the conversation where he left off, “faboulous, tremendous, are you getting the sarcasm?”

Donald trump as king, renaming the state of new mexico.

Trump Wants To Rename New Mexico, Suggests Trumpsylvannia

Donald Trump laid out his case for changing the name of New Mexico while he was campaigning in the state. Trump also had some harsh criticism for New Mexico Republican Governor Susana Martinez after she skipped his political rally in Albuquerque and refused to endorse his presidential run.

Trump spoke to a packed auditorium while in Albuquerque.

Donald trump as king, renaming the state of new mexico.
Some of the new names for the state of New Mexico suggested by Donald Trump and his supporters.

“Your governor is not doing her job in helping to unite the party. She’s not supporting the wall in a state that’s right on the border. If she want’s to keep her job, the first thing she needs to do is change the name of the state to something that isn’t going to attract more illegal immigrants. They’re coming here and they hear about this state that even has Mexico in the name, and they can get drivers licenses and food stamps. The governor needs to make the state seem more like America, instead of an extension of Mexico.”

The auditorium crowd roared with approval as Trump beamed. Then the Don capped his rally saying, “When I’m president I’m going to change the name of the state to something that doesn’t have Mexico, a foreign country in it’s name. How about Trumpsylvannia? Georgistan? West Georgia? Anything but New Mexico.”

The adulating crowd went wild as Trump exited the auditorium shaking hands with swooning spectators near the rope lines.

Some of the proposed new names, West Georgia and Georgistan, are seen as an olive branch to Trump’s estranged son, George Robert Trump, who lives in Santa Fe.

After the rally, disastrous riots followed in Albuquerque and polls show Trump has little chance to carry New Mexico in the general election. A few days later it seemed that Trump was writing off New Mexico when he told CNN’s Anderson Cooper, “I don’t think most of those people consider themselves Americans first, you have to look at the name of the state, it has Mexico in the name, it doesn’t seem like they want to be Americans.”

Anderson followed up, “Many of our state names are Spanish words, are you suggesting that Florida, Texas and Colorado, for example, are un-American?

“Excuse me, excuse me Anderson, you are talking about Spanish names and I’m talking about a state that that has another country’s name in it’s name. Now it doesn’t sound that strange because we’ve gotten used to it, New Mexico I mean, but would people accept a state called New China or New Pakistan?

Anderson continued saying, “You talked about giving New Mexico back to Mexico if their governor doesn’t do her job…”

Look Anderson, that was just a suggestion and it wouldn’t be fair to all the good people in New Mexico, but maybe we can get the good ones to sign a loyalty pledge to America.”

Even before the interview was over, a new hashtag #trumployaltyoath sparked the latest twitter war between pro and anti-Trump forces.

Questionable Meat Sources At Trump Tower Grill

Sparking fears of tainted meat and even cannibalism at the Trump Tower Grill, anonymous sources are speaking out about how the kitchen sources it’s meat.

trump-eats-hispanics-mdAfter Donald Trump Tweeted a photo of himself eating a Taco Bowl on Cinco de Mayo, a holiday his supporters want to ban, some of the former help at the Trump Tower Grill became outraged by Donald Trump’s two-faced comments towards Hispanics.

With shocking new allegations coming out each day, Trump is now saying he doesn’t actually own the restaurant in question.

One undocumented kitchen worker who only spoke Spanish talked with an investigator anonymously about the allegations.

[Translated] “The chef would tell us when a shipment was coming in, always after dark. These really scary guys would come by in a pick-up truck and the boss would send everybody out so that we could bring all the meat in at once, he said ‘don’t talk to them or look at them, we’ll all eat steaks tonight’…and he would let all the kitchen staff have steaks or whatever they wanted that night.”

Asked if she was afraid to eat what had come in on a pick-up truck, the source said, “The chef was eating and so no one questioned the quality, it was all fresh and had the [redacted] distributors label, we get meat from them all the time.”

Then came the incredible part of the interview when our source detailed sexual harassment, and even hinted at rumors of cannibalism at the Trump Tower Grill.

“The chef, he always wanted to date, or you know have this girl as a mistress, Belinda, because he is married. But Belinda, she always said no and that she would tell his wife if he didn’t stop bothering her. One day she was just gone, and her boyfriend was coming by to find her and the chef said she moved to Chicago. But no one really knows what happened and some of the other girls we worked with think he did something to her, made her leave, or maybe killed her. But after that nobody in the kitchen would eat the ground beef they put in the tacos and enchiladas, and for weeks some of the kitchen staff did the sign of the cross for Belinda whenever a combo plate went out.”

When asked why the staff would think anything other than meat was in the combo plate, the answer she gave was chilling indeed.

“We grind the beef here, and they said one time the chef went to the freezer on the other side of the office which is not normally used, but they, my former co-workers, said he brought a couple of packages of meat from there when he ground the beef. And that was right after Belinda disappeared.”

As soon as the story came out, the blogosphere exploded with the rumors of cannibalism, and several blogs stated for a fact that Trump Tower Grill used kangaroo meat in their food. Our investigators have dismissed the kangaroo meat story as an old urban legend told about fast food taco chains.

The public allegations of undocumented workers alone have already caused the Trump Tower Grill to close for a day as it hired new staff after management “carefully scrutinized all of our worker’s immigration status,” according to a statement from manager Mochne Harris.

carrot top promo

Carrot Top Thrilled To Make Trump’s Short List For VP

Scott Thompson, known to most as the comedian Carrot Top, has been named as a possible running mate for Donald Trump’s presidential bid.

The liberal leaning comedian talked to this reporter about comedy and his potential entry into politics. Thompson thinks he was picked as a potential vice president based on his hair color, “We’re already going to match with the orange thing going on, in fact the country is going to have an orange-gasm when we are elected.”

carrot top promo
Scott Thompson, “Carrot Top”, thinks Donald Trump’s presidential campaign is all a performance art piece.

Thompson, king of props, pulls out an alarm clock with three big buttons on top, “Reagan had the button hooked up to a clapper, but I’m taking it a step further, if I’m ever in charge of the nuclear button I’ll have it hooked up to the snooze button on my alarm clock.”

Thompson, a Gallagher protege and a student of the great comedians has references in his humor that can go back fifty years or more. “I really do study other comedians because there is always so much more to learn. Donald Trump caught my attention early on in the campaign, he is such a performer. I would compare him to Andy Kaufman, but Kaufman eventually broke character or did other characters, Trump never breaks from his persona, but it’s a satirical performance regardless, just like Kaufman’s were.”

Thompson continued to gush with praise, “I don’t believe Donald Trump is anti-ginger or misogynist, or even crazy, unless it’s crazy like a fox. I’ve never seen anyone play an audience like Trump and his timing—delivery, it’s just flawless. And the concept, Andy Kaufman must be spinning in his grave for not thinking of running for president. But where Andy took it over the line to piss people off and annoy audiences, Trump just pisses off his opponents, I mean it’s genius.”

Thompson has now performed in Vegas for ten years straight. When asked how he could run with Trump given his liberal views and success as a Vegas performer Thompson said, “Because it’s not real, Trump’s campaign is all a performance, so yes I’ll accept if asked, it could be my biggest stage yet.”

Donald Trump Napoleon

GOP Should Take Its Lumps And Lose With Trump

On April 29, 2016, protesters in California disrupted a Donald Trump rally for the second day in a row. Ever since protesters claimed they stopped a Trump rally in Chicago, anti-Trump forces have been emboldened in their quest to shut down the bloviating billionaire’s primary season political rallies.

Donald Trump Napoleon
Donald Trump has compared himself to Napoleon.

No matter how vile Trump’s rhetoric is, should anti-Trump protesters shut down Trump’s rallies and instigate violence? For a number of reasons, no: Impeding free speech and participating in violence is not only wrong, it plays into Trump’s authoritarian narrative of a country gone amuck.

Tactically, making the anti-Trump movement look bad to stop Trump now is a short sighted move: his relationship with the voting public is doomed anyway. Let him lose at the ballot box where the impact will be long lasting and—let’s hope—it will be a final blow to Donald Trump’s political ambitions.

Donald Trump likes to compare himself to Napoleon, and it’s a quote from Napoleon that should be the anti-Trump movements directive:

“Do not interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”

What it means to those opposing the GOP is: we should just let the Republican party own Donald Trump, save the protests for after he gets the nomination and they are stuck with him. After all, Trump is the culmination of the GOP’s “Southern Strategy” initiated by president Nixon, let the  GOP now reap the rewards of their decades of demagoguery.