Donald Trump Jr. Exposed as Alien Clone of The President After Email Dump

Donald Trump Jr.—The orange doesn’t fall far from the tree.

After Mini Donald released emails implicating himself in the secret back channel pipeline of gravy from a certain fast food chain to Chris Christie’s Govorner’s mansion, White House aides have started a whisper campaign saying that Donald Jr. is not really the presidents son.

An anonymous source, who only wishes to be identified as Deep Scrote, explains why the inner circle has kept the cloning a secret till now.

“The fact that White House operators are talking at all about Jr. being a clone and therefore expendable in the eyes of the president, is a sign that they’re going to throw him under the bus in the GravyGate scandal, otherwise they would keep that a closely guarded secret.”

“Ivanka and Eric have nothing to worry about if they are his real kids—they’re probably not clones of the president at least.”

This reporter has previously written about the claims that aliens helped Donald Trump win the presidency—now—according to Deep Scrote, the same aliens made Donald a clone of himself in the form of Donald Jr.

“The president did not want his alien clone to be as tall or as good looking as himself and was very pleased with the modifications to his clone. But if he can push the blame for the email/meeting scandal on Donald Jr. he can just have the aliens make him another clone.”

As the world comes to grips with the possibility of alien created Trump cloning technology, scientists and theologians have begun the arguments over the ethical, scientific and social implication of the unfolding story.

Politicians have been reluctant to weigh in on the scandal, but when Donald Jr. not only shares the presidents looks, mannerisms and penchant for self incrimination (certainly out doing Mitt Romney’s calls for self deportation), even President Trump’s strongest supporters have been unable to refute the latest allegations, instead saying nothing illegal happened.

Sebastian Gorka in an oh-so-over-the-top sounding British accent did just that:

“There is nothing illegal at all about getting opposition research from space aliens or letting them make a clone for you, there is absolutely nothing illegal or unethical here.”

Senator John McCain (R-alzheimers) awoke from a narcoleptic slumber to decry vampirism in the White House (last months story) before his memory caught up to the present and he went back to sleep.

Trump defender Steve King (R-asshole) also spoke out in defense the President.

“Well the president’s been saying illegal aliens cost him the popular vote in the election, but if it turns out aliens actually helped him win and provided a clone for his own personal amusement, we should look at impeaching Hillary for not reporting it during the election campaign.”

For now the Trump family is playing along with the fiction that Donald Jr. is Big Donald’s son, but only time will tell how safe his position in the Trump family is as the question still remains as to what will happen to Donald Jr. in light of his self incriminating email dump.

Mitch McConnell Wants Healthcare Passed Before Winter Hibernation

Even if they are warriors, most box turtles still need to hibernate in winter for an optimal immune system.

Box Turtles in Kentucky stop eating and start getting sluggish sometime in the month of October, and that’s why Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell desperately needs to pass an alternative to Obamacare by September.

Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell knows that GOP members in both the House and Senate are feeling pressure to continue trying to ram a repeal and replacement bill through and to the president’s desk. If they have to go back into session before spring, McConnell will not be there for his crucial leadership role nor can he vote in the Senate where Republicans only have a two vote margin to pass their proposed TreasonCare bill.

President Trump and other GOP stalwarts actually used global warming as an argument as to why the Senate Majority leader doesn’t need to hibernate in winter anymore.

At 3am the president blasted out a series of tweets that read:

“Not that it’s human caused, but they say because the winters are warmer that box turtles don’t hibernate that much anymore. And besides Mitch is part Galapagos turtle and I hear they don’t hibernate at all. So he CAN and should work through a winter session if they can’t get a bill on my desk by September.”

Tatum  Rowlen is one of the top terrapinologists (turtle scientists) in the world and she spoke to this reporter by phone about the claims that McConnell can work through the winter.

“There are some partial truths to what people are saying about turtles and global warming: Yes many box turtles in the US are experiencing shorter winter hibernation periods, but that compromises their immune systems if they miss too many deep winter sleeps. Less advantaged turtles in Kentucky can’t afford to migrate north to colder climates in the winter like Mitch McConnell and other turtles do, and McConnell has been going further north into Canada for the winters. True he is half Galapagos turtle, but his immune system is more like a box turtle’s and that’s why he needs that winter reset, especially at the advanced age of 197.”


Ivanka Trump in Trouble With Vatican For Reproducing Shroud of Turin on Bikini

The controversial Ivankini™ which uses a pattern from the shroud of Turin (details blurred).

First Ivanka Trump’s fashion company was sued for copying a chastity shoe (left foot only) made by FashionIkon in Transylvania. Now Ivanka Trump Collections™ is in hot water with the Vatican and true believers in the miracle of the shroud of Turin for the way ITC used an image of the shroud.

ITC had already raised a few eyebrows with it’s “Put Your Faith In Their Face” fashion line that features an image of the famous shroud on overpriced socks, scarves and t-shirts (CrucifixTee $112 MSRP). That in itself is no big deal: even in Turin, Italy, home to the remnants of the shroud, you can buy hats, puzzles, and coffee mugs with an image of the shroud.

The trouble came about when Ivanka’s fashion company “strategically” placed the holy image on a bikini (Ivankini™ $279 MSRP)–that crossed a line with Pope Francis, Catholics, and vampires everywhere.

Vatican Spokesman, Monsignor Stacy Oleg, expressed his dismay to reporters while accidentally admitting to the existence of a secret Vatican security force. “You would think Ivanka would have at least sent us a few samples from their line–I mean for the Sisters of Joanna who often have to work undercover in civilian clothing.”

So was Monsignor Oleg’s admission of the existence of the Sisters of Joanna really an accident–or is it a warning to Ivanka and others who might abuse the privilege of reproducing holy images for profit?

Ivanka’s legions of her father’s former lawyers (she at least still pays them) blamed a rogue designer for the Ivankini, they also claim the designer retired to Venezuela and has since died.

After major chains like Drecker’s, Marcy’s, and even Scam’s club dropped Ivanka’s line, consumers flocked to dollar stores to snap up items from Ivanka’s “Faith” collection, some collectors bought every Ivankini™ in stock.

According to collector Chip Konami it was a real opportunity.

“I think decades from now the Invanka Bikini will be a real window into the times we currently live in. Even if the value never increases, which I kind of doubt, when can you buy a piece of history for a dollar?”

Robert Mueller Lets His Antlers Grow Ahead of Looming Trump Battle

Mueller’s fans say he can beat President Trump in any format with or without his rack.

Just because it’s been quiet at the special counsel’s office doesn’t mean that a fight isn’t brewing between President Trump and Robert Mueller. Mueller’s new rack, normally neatly trimmed, is proof enough that he expects to meet the president mano a mano at some point.

It’s not clear yet if they will meet in a WWE wrestling format or an MMA style match-up, though Trump would clearly be at a disadvantage in the unscripted MMA format where real fighting skills matter.

Sources close to Mueller say he can handle Trump in any format and that letting his antlers grow is all part of his mental game of dominating his opponent before he even gets in the ring.

Fight commentator Jimmie Plumme told this reporter that Mueller is wise to gear up for a fight after Trump’s mostly successful Media Smack Down Tour.

“The media just wasn’t prepared for the ferocity of Trump’s attack and the loyalty of his supporters. Mueller has been watching and learning and he’s already rallied millions to his side without saying a single word to the public—and by the way women love his impressive rack and correspondingly support Mueller by a two to one margin over the president.”

Will the antlers make a difference for Mueller?

“Absolutely they will,”  Plumme tells us. “Even if the format is Sumo, Mueller can literally cage someone with his antlers, but it’s also important for him to keep Trump from goring him with those horns, which are rumored to harbor drug resistant Ukrainian spirochetes.”

Las Vegas odds makers are already giving Mueller the advantage in any potential battle between the two titans, citing the presidents lack of stamina in his light saber battle with Barrack Obama.