young man with dreadlocks

AG Sessions Risks Awakening Stoner Vote

young man with dreadlocks
Newly registered voter Lazer Tyson (AKA Stanly Roze) says he plans on voting in 2018.

In an attempt to thwart the Republican Reeperbahn in next years elections, liberal activists and Democrats are using the fear of regressive marijuana policies to recruit pot smokers who wouldn’t vote otherwise.

Portia Nicolya of Rationalize US Marijuana Policy told this reporter she has a clear and simple message for pot smokers who have never voted.

“Donald Trump is coming to take your weed away.”

The RUMP spokesperson paused for effect and then continued:

“We think that statement will get people’s attention, now we have to get those people registered and to the polls on voting day. These so called “couch locked” liberals or Couchers, who just get high again instead of voting, could increase the Democratic vote by ten to twenty percent if they can be motivated.”

That very scenario has caused Republican lawmakers to warn elfin US Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, to go easy on marijuana enforcement because of fears of stirring latent liberal voters to get up off their couches.

One such potential voter is Lazer Tyson of Englewood, Colorado, who likes to be called by his online gaming moniker, Stanly Roze. Roze spoke to this reporter online via FaceSlap when he took a short break from playing Super Hero Mutant Apocalypse.

“I heard something about Trump’s general attorney trying to crack down on legal herb and that’s why I registered to vote for the first time in my life. Our County Clerk’s office had online registration so it was perfect because I don’t like to leave my gaming chair–now if they could have online voting I know a lot of other gamers who would register and vote to protect their access to legal weed.”

AG Sessions defended the crackdown on marijuana enforcement:

“If we keep allowing these kids to smoke reefer, pretty soon it’s going to draw colored people and then rap music–and I don’t think people realize that rap music is intended to whip colored people into a frenzy of murder and rape. So do we really want real American children to smoke reefer and listen to rap music? I think the easy answer is ‘no.'”

a sonogram that has been photoshopped to give the fetus a pistol.

Congress Passes Fetal Gun Rights Bill

a sonogram that has been photoshopped to give the fetus a pistol.
A family keepsake: baby’s first pistol.

Amid much controversy the Fetal Universal Gun and Ammo Rights bill (FUGAR) squeaked through the house and is now on it’s way to the US Senate.

Congressman Evan Jenkins of West Virginia (R-NRA-DNA) touted the bill as a win/win after the historic congressional vote.

“In one fell swoop we’ve strengthened the second amendment to the constitution and we’re protecting the rights of the unborn by making sure that they can legally bear arms. FUGAR further champions the rights of unborn Americans by granting the status of person-hood to the fetus upon gun ownership.”

Martia Shaliknov of Coprofeld, AZ, is a mother of two children and is expecting a third. She supports the proposed law and told this reporter all of her children were armed before they were born.

“We’re way ahead of the curve in Arizona–well, in our family at least–we never waited for a damn law to tell us to arm our babies before birth.”

Shaliknov then detailed her reasons for believing her children should be armed at such an early age.

“My Husband and I have guns and rifles all around the house so it’s not like a Mexican or Muslim-y person is going to be able to sneak up to my cooch and kidnap my baby. But those genetically predisposed criminal types aren’t going to try anything in the first place if they know my unborn child might give them a blast of buckshot or AK-47 to the face.”

“But besides protection, we’re just a gun loving family, and we want our children to be comfortable around guns. Our little ones have open carried since they were born and they’ve never had to spend a single day without a gun or a rifle. We’re hoping the politicians pass the KinderCarry laws by the time our oldest starts preschool, but if not we’re ready to home school our kids until they can fix the gun laws.”

Anti-gun advocate Blair Gutille said that FUGAR won’t make families and children any safer.

“Studies have proven that the more guns you have in the womb the more likely a fetus is to be a victim of gun violence. Children who grow up without a gun in the womb are less likely to have firearms later in life and statistically they are significantly less likely to die from gun violence throughout their entire lives.”

“American culture is just so gun crazy, we want to make everything into a Wild West fantasy: So now we have this ridiculous idea that a fetus has to be ready for a Shootout at the VJ Canal.”

American Heritage Manufacturers, the maker of Kevlar Kids™ school wear, is ready to help families arm their most vulnerable members by broadening their product line to reflect the new trend. New products include: Kevlar Moms™ maternity wear, fetal safety locks for guns, and low powered rubber ammo for unborn baby’s first practice rounds.

smokestacks

Monsanto to Take Over EPA

smokestacks
Emissions like these will soon be self regulated by the companies that create them.

Now that a dozen or more large US corporations will operate the newly privatized EPA, the future of US industry looks a lot brighter–even as the skies darken from the increased pollution.

Scott Pruitt, token head of the EPA, and Monsanto CEO, Nick Neo, gave a joint news conference inside with filtered air conditioning at the company’s headquarters in Gnaroak, West Virginia.

Pruitt touted the savings for US taxpayers that will be created by privatizing the EPA.

“We’ll be eliminating expensive regulatory delays and procedures that increase costs to the consumers.”

“But I really want to tell you about another exciting synergy that has been created with the use of Monsanto’s new pesticide BorderPatrol™. The US Border Patrol has been spraying illegal aliens with weedkillers like BorderPatrol™, and the effect is tremendous: Illegals that are not outright dispatched from exposure to these pesticides get homesick and return to their countries of origin within six months.”

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader had some harsh words about the use of pesticides on illegal immigrants when he spoke to MS-NBC’s Richard Stone.

“First, the cruelty of this spraying policy hearkens back to the Vietnam War era when we poisoned entire villages and ecosystems with Agent Orange. But this strategy can’t work forever and we are already seeing Roundup resistance in some Mexican and Venezuelan immigrants.”

“The claim that sick illegals who have been sprayed with BorderPatrol™ eventually go home is just not true: Ninety percent of undocumented immigrants sickened by pesticides from the US Border Patrol Agency will actually end up being treated in the US at US taxpayer expense. Their orphans, many of whom are US citizens, will also end up being taken care of at taxpayer expense.”

As the Trump administration accelerates the privatization of large sectors of the US government, the president’s next stated objective is to spin-off the Department of Energy to Exxon or the Chinese investment firm Yantai Xinchao.

Bad Boys of Politics Release Musical Album

Shocking and awing both political and musical worlds, Kim Jong Un, Boris Johnson, Geert Wilders, and Donald Trump have joined forces to sing songs of love and paeans to their political ideologies.

Calling themselves the Bad Hair Boys because Insane Clown Posse was already taken, the unholy four have released Breakin’ Thru (the Filibuster Around Your Heart). The album and title track have already vaulted to the top of the charts.

Panned by critics–but what do they know–this reviewer found the album hugely entertaining, even more than hernia surgery, though most of the songs would have found a better audience decades ago: think TLC, Boyz II Men, and Flight of the Conchords.

Breakin’ Thru also treads into folk, reggae, and other genres, but the Boys shine best in the surprisingly slick pop songs co-written and produced by the musical genius of our generation, Kanye West.

Kim Jong Un, by the way, literally air-mailed his vocals to the studio, he was much to paranoid to leave the PRNK or even establish a data link with the other Boys during the album’s production.

Music critic Dee Afton called the Bad Hair Boys “a meowling cacophonic hairball of a quartet in need of a barbershop.” Music fans are already proving her and other critics wrong as BHB’s melodious beats are poised to break sales and streaming records.

 Hits:

 You had me at Radical Islam Geert Wilders’ mostly hollow synth pop dance groove.

 Shooting a Missile of Love to Your Heartland Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump sing a duet about a faraway love.

Conservative Lady in a Blue Dress Boris Johnson’s synth driven tender side ballad. He just upped his sexy way up with this song–so much so that women have been drawing hearts on their panties and leaving them on the Parliament grounds.

Internet Lies Kim Jong Un’s rap about a public break-up hides a thinly veiled paranoid screed on the perils of relying on Western news sources.

Brexidous Blue Tuesday Boris Johnson channels his inner Tom Waits juxtaposed against a New Orleans style celebration of Brexit (with a little help from special guest Joe Cocker on back up vocals).

Breakin’ Thru Title track and the strongest piece of the collection: The Boys layer lush vocals while each takes a turn singing solo against the stacked harmonies. Wilders takes us out at the end with a stunning and brilliant rap that will have everyone hitting the rewind.

Misses:

I Don’t Know How to Love Him Trump sings a Reggae version of the Jesus Christ Superstar hit, but it’s sung about Vladimir Putin instead of Jesus. This reviewer found it flat and schmaltzy.

Making it Great Again A Trump/Wilders duet–it sounds like a lost Phil Collins tune because it is: basically it’s a bad clone of another terrible song by Collins, Against All Odds.

Obama And Trump Face Off In Not So Epic Lightsaber Battle

Though the fight was a letdown for fans, a Trump company likely made hundreds of millions by buying the rights to it.

Barrack Obama was knighted by the Jedi council and was enlisted in the fight against Donald Trump. Barrack Obama then proved his mettle by besting President Donald Trump in a mere two minute lightsaber fight.

Master Yoda explained the council’s decision to knight Obama (now known as Master Jedi Wani Ponono) and let him battle Darth Hirsutius (Trump).

“Though president he is no more, done his work is not.”

Wasn’t Obama just last week sinking into a peaceful and useless life as a Rastafari in Jamaica? True, he did manage to declare martial law while there.

So what motivated Obama to formally join the Jedi and take on Trump personally?

President Trump has accused Barrack Obama of all sorts of crimes like: faking his citizenship; committing dozens of felonies; and even committing treason.

Obama explained to CNN’s Jake Tapper why he stayed silent until President Trump called Obama’s mother a mudshark, a derogatory slang term for white women who date black men.

“President Trump crossed a bright red line when he insulted my mother and that’s why I finally called him out to a lightsaber duel.”

The fight was a let down but the crush of traffic to see the fight footage crashed YouTube’s servers twice this week. If you didn’t already see it, Trump actually had a few good chops, probably adapted from his golfing technique, but Obama quickly wore down Trump who had no stamina. Once Obama knocked Trump’s lightsaber out of his hand and singed his hair, Trump quickly gave up.

Neither of the combatants were injured, but a leaked report from the White House says that Trump’s handlers are busy re-configuring his comb-over to hide the singed area of hair.

Zealous Trump supporters are floating the idea that Trump’s loss was fake entertainment and that deep state CGI animators on Disney’s payroll, but loyal to Obama, faked the fights ending.

Obama took some heat from CNN’s Tapper for only singeing Trump’s hair after repeatedly saying Trump would face harsh consequences for crossing a line, but Obama stood by his actions.

“We had agreed beforehand to a submission match so once he gave up there was no use cutting off anybody’s hand just to make a point. But I’m sure Darth Hirsuty or  whatever Trump calls himself, he’ll try and spin his loss into a win somehow.”

Indeed, Hirsutius (Trump) was soon bragging after the match.

“My boys, they are such evil geniuses: they made a beautiful deal when they bought the rights to the fight and with the YouTube and ESPN deals, they made a lot of money for one of my companies–they couldn’t ethically tell me how much, but they said the amount was huge because we’re talking the most watched fight in history.”

Sean Spicer Hospitalized After Suicide Attempt

RT-News, Moscow: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized last night after an apparent suicide attempt.

It seems Spicer was so stressed over the media witch hunt against his boss that he ate a bunch of radioactive polonium-210 mixed with Russian salad dressing.

Spicer’s life was probably saved by the presence of Congressman Devin Nunes: Nunes was doing some late night plumbing work on the capitol grounds when he found Spicer ill and unable to move in a secure viewing area.

Doctor Angel Stover at DC University Medical Center said if Spicer recovers from the poison he will likely have lingering health problems.

“If he had been discovered a few hours later, he might not have survived at all. We’ll have to wait and see how much damage there is to his organs, but at the least he’s going to set off radiation detectors for years to come.”

Hospital staff alerted the police and FBI to the fact that Spicer kept repeating the word “Russians” when he was first brought in, prompting them to wonder if it was a poisoning instead of a suicide attempt.

Devin Nunes denied any Russian links to the incident when he gave a press conference this morning at the White House.

“No one has seen any evidence that points to a Russian plot to harm Mr. Spicer. Now when I found him, he kept saying “the Russians” over and over again, but people are misreading that to mean that he was trying to implicate the Russians in something. So look, police discovered that he had written a suicide letter and so it makes sense that he was the one who mixed the polonium in with the Russian salad dressing before he ate it—so he was just warning us to keep anyone else from eating the Russian dressing.”

Spicer remains hospitalized in a politically induced state of coma while under heavy security.

CDC Report Leaked: Rabies In The White House

President Trump has not yet addressed the news of a rabies outbreak at the White House.

A damning report on the spread of rabies at the White House compiled by the Center for Disease Control was leaked today and published by the NY times. The report details how people inside the Trump inner circle ignored initial warnings from CDC doctors and reality TV experts, resulting in further spread of the deadly illness.

The CDC is required to track serious diseases, including rabies, and the leaked documents highlight the agencies efforts in tracking the outbreak.

Starting in the summer of 2016, the CDC had identified three cases of rabies when doctors reported that they treated patients who worked in the Trump and Clinton 2016 presidential campaigns. One patient on the Trump campaign did not follow up on medical treatment and by February of 2017 there were four more cases of rabies all within the White House staff.

Unverified reports say the Russian diplomatic office in DC was also concerned about the spread of rabies within it’s personnel last summer.

Because human to human spread of rabies has never been seen before, any explanation of the path of the diseases transmission this early in the investigation is still speculative.

Dr. Sadie Means, an infectious disease expert at Denver University Hospital, explained how rabies could have spread from human to human.

“We’ve only seen the spread of rabies through bites from an infected host or the eating of raw meat from an infected host. Since it’s highly unlikely that cannibalism is happening at the White House, the most likely means of transmission is from bites.”

The heavily redacted CDC documents don’t reveal any names, but Spoof analysts thought Micheal Flynn and Paul Manafort could be the campaign staffers identified as patients MF1 and MF2. The Clinton campaign has been mum on the identity of it’s infected staff member, identified in the documents only as HRC1.

Trump’s White House staff is comprised of anti-science ideologues and it’s no surprise they are anti-vaxxers, thus complicating efforts to slow the spread of rabies at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Only Half Insane) has vowed to investigate former President Obama’s involvement in the rabies outbreak.

“Our president believes his predecessor started the epidemic, and it’s our duty to investigate these serious allegations.”

Sean Spicer Releases Sex Tape: Meat The Press

Spicers sex tape “Meat The Press” has already made a quarter of a million dollars on Amazon Movie and other streaming services.

Perhaps sensing that the political winds are not favoring his continuing employment, White House Spokes-liar Sean Spicer released his own sex tape just this week.

The video, titled Meat The Press: Gettin’ Spicy With Sean “The Neck” Spicer, is already a best seller on Amazon Movie, as well as the top download in Russia, and the top pirated video in China.

As some pornos do, Meat The Press pretends to be an educational and informational video, and is briefly introduced as such by a fully clothed Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

After the off-putting start though, this reporter found the video jumps right to the action: Spicer’s performance was convincing if not very vanilla and straight forward (and somewhat angry too)—still, this video may be too tame for conservatives with kinks in the closet.

For the many Rs and Ds who have a bone for Kellyanne Conway’s alternate vagina, Conway look-alike Lanna Paloma’s appearance may be the best reason to buy this video.

There’s even a gratuitous golden shower scene where Spicer, Paloma, and two other women replicate the details reported in the Russian dossier of President Trump’s frolic with Ukranian Hookers.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5 boners

Long Awaited GOP Healthcare Legislation Labelled “TreasonCare”

Left: Paul Ryan; Right: Benedict Arnold

After the president strenuously said he doesn’t want the new Republican healthcare plan to be called Trumpcare, the fiscally conservative House Freedom Caucus started calling it TreasonCare.

Democrats and liberals described the new law and cuts to Medicare and ObamaCare as draconian, meanwhile House Freedom Caucus members say the cuts don’t go far enough in hurting children and poor families.

Senate pariah Ted Cruz called Republicans who voted for the new law traitors.

“It’s ObamaCare Lite, and it’s appropriate to call it TreasonCare because Republicans have committed treason against our conservative principles by putting it in to law.”

Mick Mulvany (R-small heart) director of OMB, championed TreasonCare and the concurring new budget. Mulvany explained how money saved from eliminating healthcare subsidies and school lunches should go to billionaires.

“It’s the wealthy who take care of us all by creating jobs when they spend their wealth. How many poor schoolkids do you know who can go out and spend a hundred million on a mansion or start a new company, thereby creating thousands of new jobs? Feeding schoolkids is a waste of money: we all know where food goes anyway after we digest it. In the same way, healthcare subsidies are a waste of money too, because we’re all going to die anyway. So why spend potentially billions and billions on unhealthy poor people who can’t create jobs when we can invest in our billionaires?”

Democrats opposed to the Republican legislation gleefully danced an Irish jig while seizing on the TreasonCare moniker, then as a finale, Nancy Pelosi took a swipe at the new GOP healthcare law.

“This new law is TreasonCare and the Republicans need to own it. It’s TreasonCare because they are turning their backs on the very working people that they and President Tweet promised to help.”

Latest Trump Tweet: Obama Shot JFK

After Snoop Dogg refused to apologize for a video in which he shoots a clown faced President Trump with a marijuana gun, Trump then attacked Barrack Obama and accused the former president of shooting president John F Kennedy.

Trump sparked the latest outrage by tweeting that Obama should be investigated in the JFK conspiracy because, “he’s African American after all.”

The several tweets together read: “Breitbart had a story on it, if people read the real news they would know Obama shot JFK. Obama needs to be investigated on JFK’s assassination, he’s African-American after all, and maybe not even American, so we need to find out all we can–maybe Russia can find out that Obama’s dad was involved.”

Democratic lawmakers and the media have questioned the President’s claim as Barrack Obama was born in 1961 and would have been a toddler when President Kennedy was assassinated.

Capitol Hill Republicans were reluctant to refute their capricious boss’s latest claims, with Senator Lindsay Graham going so far as to vow to get to the bottom of the allegations.

“If we need to get former president Obama to testify to his whereabouts on the day that JFK was shot, we’ll do what it takes to help President Trump with his delusions. To further that end, I’ve directed our new senate subcommittee to find out what if any involvement Barrack Obama had in the JFK assassination.”

For his part Barrack Obama was on vacation from the insanity on Earth and was orbiting the Moon with his friends, billionaire Richard Branson and Snoop Dogg. The trio is on Branson’s Virgin Galactic near-earth spaceship, the Chocolate Kush.