Carrot Top Declines FBI Director Job

The ideal candidate to lead the FBI has turned down the job, citing his gig in Las Vegas and the implosion of the Trump presidency as the reasons. But Washington insiders tell this reporter that Carrot Top, AKA Scott Thompson, felt slighted by Republicans who stymied his bid for Vice President after Trump won his parties nomination.

Comedian Carrot Top had his publicity people prepare the above graphic for this story.

Now it seems some of the same GOP members who thought Carrot Top was too lightweight for the VP job, now see him as the perfect easily controlled non-partisan candidate to head the FBI.

In Las Vegas, the beloved orange comedian used some of his props at his sold out show to address his brief foray into politics.

During part of his routine, he pulled out some orange baseball caps that were printed with “Make America Orange” and threw them out to a thrilled audience, while he said, “I won’t be needing these anymore.”

Then Thompson unfolded a T-shirt that said “Orange Is The New Stupid,” and threw some of those out to an even more frenzied audience.

As he held up a pair of sweatpants with Hillary Clinton’s face printed on the seat, Thompson explained to the raucous crowd:

“These are chastity pants for prison. Seriously, would you do anyone who was wearing these? I won’t need these either, so I’m sending them to the White House.”

Thompson spoke to this reporter after his show and explained his perspective on his nomination to head the FBI.

“People want to say I’m turning down the FBI job because I’m bitter about not being Trump’s VP, but nothing could be further from the truth: I’ve just realized I’m happy right where I’m at. I feel like I dodged a bullet by not getting the vice president job, just look at all the turmoil and investigations at the White House now. And besides, do you know what they do to gingers in prison?”

Trump Shared Nuclear Codes With Russians

A spokesperson said the president did not reveal classified information when he told the Russians Ivanka Trump’s measurements

Showing that he can give and take when dealing with other world leaders, President Trump revealed the nations nuclear launch codes to the Russian ambassador while bragging about the US’s nuclear capability.

A concerned person who was in the room when the meeting occurred, confirmed with Pentagon officials that the launch code was the president’s birthday, which by the time of this writing, has surely been changed.

The person who leaked the report also said that President Trump gave a brief history of the codes to the Russians.

“He said, ‘Well first I had the code set to Obama’s birthday, but because nothing on his birth certificate is real anyway, I couldn’t remember it. Then I had them change it to my birthday, and with Kim Jong Un, you never know, so I like a code I can remember real easy and quick. I might use Ivanka’s measurements next time I change the codes.'”

Trump defended his sharing of the information with the Russians in an early morning tweet.

“The point I was making with the Russians is that they don’t know what our codes could be, but it won’t be something stupid like 1-2-3-4-5 like in that movie Spaceballs.”

To counter widespread skepticism of candidate Trump ahead of last years elections, GOP Senate and House leaders promised to spank Donald Trump if he misused his access to the nations nuclear weapons. So far Mitch McConnell and Paul Ryan have been silent on Trump’s treasonous sharing of the classified information with the Russians.

Predictably, frenzied Democrats called for an independent investigation into Trump’s relationship with the truth and a review of White House security protocols.

Security expert Monty Carp said such simple pass codes are easily cracked, and that the president needs to use much more secure passwords.

“When you get in to using birthdays or a woman’s measurements for pass codes, you really narrow down the search for hackers to just a few thousand or even just a few hundred possibilities. That kind of low-level brute force cracking can be calculated in a few microseconds by a third grader on an average computer, so you know the Russians and any other US adversaries can breach Trump’s Ronald McFondled pass codes to our nuclear infrastructure if they want to.”

President Trump Replaces Supreme Court With American Idol Judges

Little known AI Justice, Jeffriac Binaca, says the president’s Muslim ban is a lawful order.

Sparking yet another constitutional crisis, President Trump has fired the Supreme Court and assembled a panel of current and former American Idol judges to rubber stamp his Cinco de Mayo ban and other controversial policies.

Simon Cowell, Paris Hilton, and Christina Aguilera are the only holdouts yet to sign their loyalty pledges: Cowell claims that previous contractual obligations prevent him from signing the pledge; Aguilera claims diva privileges; and Paris Hilton is having her family’s team of lawyers examine the contract.

But it’s the timing of the Supreme Court’s demise that stinks of a Nixonian cover-up according to top Democrat Chuck Schumer (D-Apoplectic).

“This smacks of obstruction of justice by the president. The Supreme court was set to decide if a shitting president can be sued, so what if the president had his office chair converted to a toilet and claims he is always going to the bathroom and therefore can’t be sued. While it may be unpleasant to be sued while going to the bathroom, the fact that you are sitting on a toilet all the time does not inoculate you from lawsuits.”

The president for his part made a veiled threat on Twitter against anyone who might dispute his right to be on the shitter all the time.

“I’m always doing the country’s business, even while doing my own business. Anyone who leaks otherwise, well, they better hope the audio tapes don’t come out.”

Fired Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg caused an uproar after commenting on the president’s method of delivering the news of their firing.

“I can’t believe he sent the letter by bike messenger, it’s so insulting, why didn’t he just send it by camel?”

The former justice later apologized and said she did not mean to suggest that the work bike messengers do is not important.

House majority leader Paul Ryan was silent for a full twenty four hours before sharing his thoughts with reporters about the president’s new court.

“I can’t control what American Idol judges are going to do, so I’m concentrating on what I can control. Now excuse me, I have to go to the men’s room.”

Other GOP leaders, like Senator Lindsey Graham (R-only half insane), were more enthusiastic with their praise for the new reality TV based court.

“Instead of one or two nominations in his term to an increasingly partisan and out of touch Supreme Court, the president has injected fresh energy into the judicial process with this new Court of the White House.

Senate scarecrow Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell had little to say about Trump’s new court, other than putting the blame on Democrats for impeding the implementation of the president’s executive orders.

“Have you seen Nancy Pelosi’s face? That’s the look of too much Botox or something, and that’s why the president doesn’t need all these tiresome checks and balances on his authority.”

young man with dreadlocks

AG Sessions Risks Awakening Stoner Vote

young man with dreadlocks
Newly registered voter Lazer Tyson (AKA Stanly Roze) says he plans on voting in 2018.

In an attempt to thwart the Republican Reeperbahn in next years elections, liberal activists and Democrats are using the fear of regressive marijuana policies to recruit pot smokers who wouldn’t vote otherwise.

Portia Nicolya of Rationalize US Marijuana Policy told this reporter she has a clear and simple message for pot smokers who have never voted.

“Donald Trump is coming to take your weed away.”

The RUMP spokesperson paused for effect and then continued:

“We think that statement will get people’s attention, now we have to get those people registered and to the polls on voting day. These so called “couch locked” liberals or Couchers, who just get high again instead of voting, could increase the Democratic vote by ten to twenty percent if they can be motivated.”

That very scenario has caused Republican lawmakers to warn elfin US Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, to go easy on marijuana enforcement because of fears of stirring latent liberal voters to get up off their couches.

One such potential voter is Lazer Tyson of Englewood, Colorado, who likes to be called by his online gaming moniker, Stanly Roze. Roze spoke to this reporter online via FaceSlap when he took a short break from playing Super Hero Mutant Apocalypse.

“I heard something about Trump’s general attorney trying to crack down on legal herb and that’s why I registered to vote for the first time in my life. Our County Clerk’s office had online registration so it was perfect because I don’t like to leave my gaming chair–now if they could have online voting I know a lot of other gamers who would register and vote to protect their access to legal weed.”

AG Sessions defended the crackdown on marijuana enforcement:

“If we keep allowing these kids to smoke reefer, pretty soon it’s going to draw colored people and then rap music–and I don’t think people realize that rap music is intended to whip colored people into a frenzy of murder and rape. So do we really want real American children to smoke reefer and listen to rap music? I think the easy answer is ‘no.'”

a sonogram that has been photoshopped to give the fetus a pistol.

Congress Passes Fetal Gun Rights Bill

a sonogram that has been photoshopped to give the fetus a pistol.
A family keepsake: baby’s first pistol.

Amid much controversy the Fetal Universal Gun and Ammo Rights bill (FUGAR) squeaked through the house and is now on it’s way to the US Senate.

Congressman Evan Jenkins of West Virginia (R-NRA-DNA) touted the bill as a win/win after the historic congressional vote.

“In one fell swoop we’ve strengthened the second amendment to the constitution and we’re protecting the rights of the unborn by making sure that they can legally bear arms. FUGAR further champions the rights of unborn Americans by granting the status of person-hood to the fetus upon gun ownership.”

Martia Shaliknov of Coprofeld, AZ, is a mother of two children and is expecting a third. She supports the proposed law and told this reporter all of her children were armed before they were born.

“We’re way ahead of the curve in Arizona–well, in our family at least–we never waited for a damn law to tell us to arm our babies before birth.”

Shaliknov then detailed her reasons for believing her children should be armed at such an early age.

“My Husband and I have guns and rifles all around the house so it’s not like a Mexican or Muslim-y person is going to be able to sneak up to my cooch and kidnap my baby. But those genetically predisposed criminal types aren’t going to try anything in the first place if they know my unborn child might give them a blast of buckshot or AK-47 to the face.”

“But besides protection, we’re just a gun loving family, and we want our children to be comfortable around guns. Our little ones have open carried since they were born and they’ve never had to spend a single day without a gun or a rifle. We’re hoping the politicians pass the KinderCarry laws by the time our oldest starts preschool, but if not we’re ready to home school our kids until they can fix the gun laws.”

Anti-gun advocate Blair Gutille said that FUGAR won’t make families and children any safer.

“Studies have proven that the more guns you have in the womb the more likely a fetus is to be a victim of gun violence. Children who grow up without a gun in the womb are less likely to have firearms later in life and statistically they are significantly less likely to die from gun violence throughout their entire lives.”

“American culture is just so gun crazy, we want to make everything into a Wild West fantasy: So now we have this ridiculous idea that a fetus has to be ready for a Shootout at the VJ Canal.”

American Heritage Manufacturers, the maker of Kevlar Kids™ school wear, is ready to help families arm their most vulnerable members by broadening their product line to reflect the new trend. New products include: Kevlar Moms™ maternity wear, fetal safety locks for guns, and low powered rubber ammo for unborn baby’s first practice rounds.

smokestacks

Monsanto to Take Over EPA

smokestacks
Emissions like these will soon be self regulated by the companies that create them.

Now that a dozen or more large US corporations will operate the newly privatized EPA, the future of US industry looks a lot brighter–even as the skies darken from the increased pollution.

Scott Pruitt, token head of the EPA, and Monsanto CEO, Nick Neo, gave a joint news conference inside with filtered air conditioning at the company’s headquarters in Gnaroak, West Virginia.

Pruitt touted the savings for US taxpayers that will be created by privatizing the EPA.

“We’ll be eliminating expensive regulatory delays and procedures that increase costs to the consumers.”

“But I really want to tell you about another exciting synergy that has been created with the use of Monsanto’s new pesticide BorderPatrol™. The US Border Patrol has been spraying illegal aliens with weedkillers like BorderPatrol™, and the effect is tremendous: Illegals that are not outright dispatched from exposure to these pesticides get homesick and return to their countries of origin within six months.”

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader had some harsh words about the use of pesticides on illegal immigrants when he spoke to MS-NBC’s Richard Stone.

“First, the cruelty of this spraying policy hearkens back to the Vietnam War era when we poisoned entire villages and ecosystems with Agent Orange. But this strategy can’t work forever and we are already seeing Roundup resistance in some Mexican and Venezuelan immigrants.”

“The claim that sick illegals who have been sprayed with BorderPatrol™ eventually go home is just not true: Ninety percent of undocumented immigrants sickened by pesticides from the US Border Patrol Agency will actually end up being treated in the US at US taxpayer expense. Their orphans, many of whom are US citizens, will also end up being taken care of at taxpayer expense.”

As the Trump administration accelerates the privatization of large sectors of the US government, the president’s next stated objective is to spin-off the Department of Energy to Exxon or the Chinese investment firm Yantai Xinchao.

Bad Boys of Politics Release Musical Album

Shocking and awing both political and musical worlds, Kim Jong Un, Boris Johnson, Geert Wilders, and Donald Trump have joined forces to sing songs of love and paeans to their political ideologies.

Calling themselves the Bad Hair Boys because Insane Clown Posse was already taken, the unholy four have released Breakin’ Thru (the Filibuster Around Your Heart). The album and title track have already vaulted to the top of the charts.

Panned by critics–but what do they know–this reviewer found the album hugely entertaining, even more than hernia surgery, though most of the songs would have found a better audience decades ago: think TLC, Boyz II Men, and Flight of the Conchords.

Breakin’ Thru also treads into folk, reggae, and other genres, but the Boys shine best in the surprisingly slick pop songs co-written and produced by the musical genius of our generation, Kanye West.

Kim Jong Un, by the way, literally air-mailed his vocals to the studio, he was much to paranoid to leave the PRNK or even establish a data link with the other Boys during the album’s production.

Music critic Dee Afton called the Bad Hair Boys “a meowling cacophonic hairball of a quartet in need of a barbershop.” Music fans are already proving her and other critics wrong as BHB’s melodious beats are poised to break sales and streaming records.

 Hits:

 You had me at Radical Islam Geert Wilders’ mostly hollow synth pop dance groove.

 Shooting a Missile of Love to Your Heartland Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump sing a duet about a faraway love.

Conservative Lady in a Blue Dress Boris Johnson’s synth driven tender side ballad. He just upped his sexy way up with this song–so much so that women have been drawing hearts on their panties and leaving them on the Parliament grounds.

Internet Lies Kim Jong Un’s rap about a public break-up hides a thinly veiled paranoid screed on the perils of relying on Western news sources.

Brexidous Blue Tuesday Boris Johnson channels his inner Tom Waits juxtaposed against a New Orleans style celebration of Brexit (with a little help from special guest Joe Cocker on back up vocals).

Breakin’ Thru Title track and the strongest piece of the collection: The Boys layer lush vocals while each takes a turn singing solo against the stacked harmonies. Wilders takes us out at the end with a stunning and brilliant rap that will have everyone hitting the rewind.

Misses:

I Don’t Know How to Love Him Trump sings a Reggae version of the Jesus Christ Superstar hit, but it’s sung about Vladimir Putin instead of Jesus. This reviewer found it flat and schmaltzy.

Making it Great Again A Trump/Wilders duet–it sounds like a lost Phil Collins tune because it is: basically it’s a bad clone of another terrible song by Collins, Against All Odds.

Obama And Trump Face Off In Not So Epic Lightsaber Battle

Though the fight was a letdown for fans, a Trump company likely made hundreds of millions by buying the rights to it.

Barrack Obama was knighted by the Jedi council and was enlisted in the fight against Donald Trump. Barrack Obama then proved his mettle by besting President Donald Trump in a mere two minute lightsaber fight.

Master Yoda explained the council’s decision to knight Obama (now known as Master Jedi Wani Ponono) and let him battle Darth Hirsutius (Trump).

“Though president he is no more, done his work is not.”

Wasn’t Obama just last week sinking into a peaceful and useless life as a Rastafari in Jamaica? True, he did manage to declare martial law while there.

So what motivated Obama to formally join the Jedi and take on Trump personally?

President Trump has accused Barrack Obama of all sorts of crimes like: faking his citizenship; committing dozens of felonies; and even committing treason.

Obama explained to CNN’s Jake Tapper why he stayed silent until President Trump called Obama’s mother a mudshark, a derogatory slang term for white women who date black men.

“President Trump crossed a bright red line when he insulted my mother and that’s why I finally called him out to a lightsaber duel.”

The fight was a let down but the crush of traffic to see the fight footage crashed YouTube’s servers twice this week. If you didn’t already see it, Trump actually had a few good chops, probably adapted from his golfing technique, but Obama quickly wore down Trump who had no stamina. Once Obama knocked Trump’s lightsaber out of his hand and singed his hair, Trump quickly gave up.

Neither of the combatants were injured, but a leaked report from the White House says that Trump’s handlers are busy re-configuring his comb-over to hide the singed area of hair.

Zealous Trump supporters are floating the idea that Trump’s loss was fake entertainment and that deep state CGI animators on Disney’s payroll, but loyal to Obama, faked the fights ending.

Obama took some heat from CNN’s Tapper for only singeing Trump’s hair after repeatedly saying Trump would face harsh consequences for crossing a line, but Obama stood by his actions.

“We had agreed beforehand to a submission match so once he gave up there was no use cutting off anybody’s hand just to make a point. But I’m sure Darth Hirsuty or  whatever Trump calls himself, he’ll try and spin his loss into a win somehow.”

Indeed, Hirsutius (Trump) was soon bragging after the match.

“My boys, they are such evil geniuses: they made a beautiful deal when they bought the rights to the fight and with the YouTube and ESPN deals, they made a lot of money for one of my companies–they couldn’t ethically tell me how much, but they said the amount was huge because we’re talking the most watched fight in history.”

Sean Spicer Hospitalized After Suicide Attempt

RT-News, Moscow: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized last night after an apparent suicide attempt.

It seems Spicer was so stressed over the media witch hunt against his boss that he ate a bunch of radioactive polonium-210 mixed with Russian salad dressing.

Spicer’s life was probably saved by the presence of Congressman Devin Nunes: Nunes was doing some late night plumbing work on the capitol grounds when he found Spicer ill and unable to move in a secure viewing area.

Doctor Angel Stover at DC University Medical Center said if Spicer recovers from the poison he will likely have lingering health problems.

“If he had been discovered a few hours later, he might not have survived at all. We’ll have to wait and see how much damage there is to his organs, but at the least he’s going to set off radiation detectors for years to come.”

Hospital staff alerted the police and FBI to the fact that Spicer kept repeating the word “Russians” when he was first brought in, prompting them to wonder if it was a poisoning instead of a suicide attempt.

Devin Nunes denied any Russian links to the incident when he gave a press conference this morning at the White House.

“No one has seen any evidence that points to a Russian plot to harm Mr. Spicer. Now when I found him, he kept saying “the Russians” over and over again, but people are misreading that to mean that he was trying to implicate the Russians in something. So look, police discovered that he had written a suicide letter and so it makes sense that he was the one who mixed the polonium in with the Russian salad dressing before he ate it—so he was just warning us to keep anyone else from eating the Russian dressing.”

Spicer remains hospitalized in a politically induced state of coma while under heavy security.

CDC Report Leaked: Rabies In The White House

President Trump has not yet addressed the news of a rabies outbreak at the White House.

A damning report on the spread of rabies at the White House compiled by the Center for Disease Control was leaked today and published by the NY times. The report details how people inside the Trump inner circle ignored initial warnings from CDC doctors and reality TV experts, resulting in further spread of the deadly illness.

The CDC is required to track serious diseases, including rabies, and the leaked documents highlight the agencies efforts in tracking the outbreak.

Starting in the summer of 2016, the CDC had identified three cases of rabies when doctors reported that they treated patients who worked in the Trump and Clinton 2016 presidential campaigns. One patient on the Trump campaign did not follow up on medical treatment and by February of 2017 there were four more cases of rabies all within the White House staff.

Unverified reports say the Russian diplomatic office in DC was also concerned about the spread of rabies within it’s personnel last summer.

Because human to human spread of rabies has never been seen before, any explanation of the path of the diseases transmission this early in the investigation is still speculative.

Dr. Sadie Means, an infectious disease expert at Denver University Hospital, explained how rabies could have spread from human to human.

“We’ve only seen the spread of rabies through bites from an infected host or the eating of raw meat from an infected host. Since it’s highly unlikely that cannibalism is happening at the White House, the most likely means of transmission is from bites.”

The heavily redacted CDC documents don’t reveal any names, but Spoof analysts thought Micheal Flynn and Paul Manafort could be the campaign staffers identified as patients MF1 and MF2. The Clinton campaign has been mum on the identity of it’s infected staff member, identified in the documents only as HRC1.

Trump’s White House staff is comprised of anti-science ideologues and it’s no surprise they are anti-vaxxers, thus complicating efforts to slow the spread of rabies at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Only Half Insane) has vowed to investigate former President Obama’s involvement in the rabies outbreak.

“Our president believes his predecessor started the epidemic, and it’s our duty to investigate these serious allegations.”