Potentially pitting the President of the United States against the grandfatherly icon of fast food chicken, Colonel Sanders testified before an oxymoronic House Intelligence Committee while a transfixed world watched on television.
In the unfolding scandal from the 2016 election, several rogue KFC executives and Chris Christie established a direct pipeline of KFC gravy that fed from five of the fast food restaurants and went directly to Christie’s Govorner’s Mansion.
Attorney for the Colonel, Chabot Sanders (no relation), has insisted for weeks that his client had no prior knowledge of the KFC back channel, and said Sanders only testified because of the congressional subpoena.
As the Colonel entered the committee room and took a seat, many at the hearing reflexively drooled since the Colonel himself so strongly personifies his delicious fried chicken.
Devin Nunes, (R-White House waterboy) pushed the Colonel to admit that he had no direct knowledge of collusion between KFC execs and Chris Christie or any other Trump surrogates.
“Of course, this was all done with out any approval from me,” the fast food uber-icon said, “I’m just a figurehead, OK?. You all know I’m an actor right? My name is actually Calendre Olsson. I found out about this stuff the same way most people did: I read it in the paper.”
At that point the committee room nearly broke out into a Texas legislative brawl: upon hearing the news of Sanders’ testimony, House Democrats swamped the hearing room and disrupted the proceedings to accuse Devin Nunes of knowingly wasting time with an irrelevant witness just to slow walk the Chickengate investigation for the benefit of the Trump administration.
An exasperated Nancy Pelosi (D-Apoplectic) spoke to Capital Hill reporters about the hearing without her face ever moving or changing expression.
“We still don’t know what the president knew about the KFC gravy pipeline and when he knew it, and for all we know they could have set up something like that to Trump Tower, but it’s all going to have to wait now thanks to Congressman Nunes. We won’t know until we can get some real testimony from people with actual first hand knowledge of events.”