Jeff Sessions Returns to His Elfin Village

Sessions may go back to shilling cookies for a bakery near his village.

Embattled US Attorney General Jeff Sessions has left Washington to be with his people in the Village of Pelthor* deep in an Alabama forest.

Sessions returns to his stomping grounds as a hometown hero for rising to the level of US Attorney General in a village where most elves can only hope to get a job at Kiebler Kookie Kompany in nearby Fontaine.

Amid a cloud of controversy surrounding the Trump administration’s back channel contacts with a certain fast food fried chicken chain, Sessions’ return to his village has fueled speculation that he may not return to Washington and will tender his resignation to the president.

Publicly the president and the Attorney General have said there is no rift, but in private, Trump is screaming about Sessions to his aides, “Let him stay in his effin’ village.”

The Mayor of Pelthor, Erl Dolf, said the village and the nearby bakery have prepared a warm welcome in hopes of luring Sessions to take his old job again as Kompany spokes-elf.

“Jethenor Hubryxon [Sessions’ true elven name] is one of our most celebrated and popular spokesman, I actually hope he will consider coming back from Washington for good.”


*Named for–but not actually the same place where elves, half-elves, and quadrelves joined forces to defeat the armies of the evil megalic troll king, Aknoth of Baernthyr

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Xrhonda Speaks

Xrhonda Speaks

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