Sean Spicer Hospitalized After Suicide Attempt

RT-News, Moscow: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized last night after an apparent suicide attempt.

It seems Spicer was so stressed over the media witch hunt against his boss that he ate a bunch of radioactive polonium-210 mixed with Russian salad dressing.

Spicer’s life was probably saved by the presence of Congressman Devin Nunes: Nunes was doing some late night plumbing work on the capitol grounds when he found Spicer ill and unable to move in a secure viewing area.

Doctor Angel Stover at DC University Medical Center said if Spicer recovers from the poison he will likely have lingering health problems.

“If he had been discovered a few hours later, he might not have survived at all. We’ll have to wait and see how much damage there is to his organs, but at the least he’s going to set off radiation detectors for years to come.”

Hospital staff alerted the police and FBI to the fact that Spicer kept repeating the word “Russians” when he was first brought in, prompting them to wonder if it was a poisoning instead of a suicide attempt.

Devin Nunes denied any Russian links to the incident when he gave a press conference this morning at the White House.

“No one has seen any evidence that points to a Russian plot to harm Mr. Spicer. Now when I found him, he kept saying “the Russians” over and over again, but people are misreading that to mean that he was trying to implicate the Russians in something. So look, police discovered that he had written a suicide letter and so it makes sense that he was the one who mixed the polonium in with the Russian salad dressing before he ate it—so he was just warning us to keep anyone else from eating the Russian dressing.”

Spicer remains hospitalized in a politically induced state of coma while under heavy security.

CDC Report Leaked: Rabies In The White House

President Trump has not yet addressed the news of a rabies outbreak at the White House.

A damning report on the spread of rabies at the White House compiled by the Center for Disease Control was leaked today and published by the NY times. The report details how people inside the Trump inner circle ignored initial warnings from CDC doctors and reality TV experts, resulting in further spread of the deadly illness.

The CDC is required to track serious diseases, including rabies, and the leaked documents highlight the agencies efforts in tracking the outbreak.

Starting in the summer of 2016, the CDC had identified three cases of rabies when doctors reported that they treated patients who worked in the Trump and Clinton 2016 presidential campaigns. One patient on the Trump campaign did not follow up on medical treatment and by February of 2017 there were four more cases of rabies all within the White House staff.

Unverified reports say the Russian diplomatic office in DC was also concerned about the spread of rabies within it’s personnel last summer.

Because human to human spread of rabies has never been seen before, any explanation of the path of the diseases transmission this early in the investigation is still speculative.

Dr. Sadie Means, an infectious disease expert at Denver University Hospital, explained how rabies could have spread from human to human.

“We’ve only seen the spread of rabies through bites from an infected host or the eating of raw meat from an infected host. Since it’s highly unlikely that cannibalism is happening at the White House, the most likely means of transmission is from bites.”

The heavily redacted CDC documents don’t reveal any names, but Spoof analysts thought Micheal Flynn and Paul Manafort could be the campaign staffers identified as patients MF1 and MF2. The Clinton campaign has been mum on the identity of it’s infected staff member, identified in the documents only as HRC1.

Trump’s White House staff is comprised of anti-science ideologues and it’s no surprise they are anti-vaxxers, thus complicating efforts to slow the spread of rabies at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Only Half Insane) has vowed to investigate former President Obama’s involvement in the rabies outbreak.

“Our president believes his predecessor started the epidemic, and it’s our duty to investigate these serious allegations.”

To Prove That They Are Callous A-Holes, Freedom Caucus Gives President Trump Standing Ovation

The Freedom Caucus gives President Trump a standing ovation for taking lunches and healthcare from schoolkids and giving the money to billionaires.

As President Tweason is flailing and failing on multiple fronts, his partners in hurting children and poor families gave him a standing ovation when they met at the White House Thursday.

The Freedom Caucus expressed it’s adoration for Trump with a Standing O, really? The man who is under investigation by the FBI, did  favors for Russia, and now can’t get his “really great” healthcare bill off of life support?  These Freedom Caucus people and other Republicans are really showing their stripes by continuing to support the orange clown—sad.

One can only hope impeachment is coming soon to end this farce of a presidency…

Sean Spicer Releases Sex Tape: Meat The Press

Spicers sex tape “Meat The Press” has already made a quarter of a million dollars on Amazon Movie and other streaming services.

Perhaps sensing that the political winds are not favoring his continuing employment, White House Spokes-liar Sean Spicer released his own sex tape just this week.

The video, titled Meat The Press: Gettin’ Spicy With Sean “The Neck” Spicer, is already a best seller on Amazon Movie, as well as the top download in Russia, and the top pirated video in China.

As some pornos do, Meat The Press pretends to be an educational and informational video, and is briefly introduced as such by a fully clothed Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

After the off-putting start though, this reporter found the video jumps right to the action: Spicer’s performance was convincing if not very vanilla and straight forward (and somewhat angry too)—still, this video may be too tame for conservatives with kinks in the closet.

For the many Rs and Ds who have a bone for Kellyanne Conway’s alternate vagina, Conway look-alike Lanna Paloma’s appearance may be the best reason to buy this video.

There’s even a gratuitous golden shower scene where Spicer, Paloma, and two other women replicate the details reported in the Russian dossier of President Trump’s frolic with Ukranian Hookers.

Rating: 4 1/2 out of 5 boners

Long Awaited GOP Healthcare Legislation Labelled “TreasonCare”

Left: Paul Ryan; Right: Benedict Arnold

After the president strenuously said he doesn’t want the new Republican healthcare plan to be called Trumpcare, the fiscally conservative House Freedom Caucus started calling it TreasonCare.

Democrats and liberals described the new law and cuts to Medicare and ObamaCare as draconian, meanwhile House Freedom Caucus members say the cuts don’t go far enough in hurting children and poor families.

Senate pariah Ted Cruz called Republicans who voted for the new law traitors.

“It’s ObamaCare Lite, and it’s appropriate to call it TreasonCare because Republicans have committed treason against our conservative principles by putting it in to law.”

Mick Mulvany (R-small heart) director of OMB, championed TreasonCare and the concurring new budget. Mulvany explained how money saved from eliminating healthcare subsidies and school lunches should go to billionaires.

“It’s the wealthy who take care of us all by creating jobs when they spend their wealth. How many poor schoolkids do you know who can go out and spend a hundred million on a mansion or start a new company, thereby creating thousands of new jobs? Feeding schoolkids is a waste of money: we all know where food goes anyway after we digest it. In the same way, healthcare subsidies are a waste of money too, because we’re all going to die anyway. So why spend potentially billions and billions on unhealthy poor people who can’t create jobs when we can invest in our billionaires?”

Democrats opposed to the Republican legislation gleefully danced an Irish jig while seizing on the TreasonCare moniker, then as a finale, Nancy Pelosi took a swipe at the new GOP healthcare law.

“This new law is TreasonCare and the Republicans need to own it. It’s TreasonCare because they are turning their backs on the very working people that they and President Tweet promised to help.”

Latest Trump Tweet: Obama Shot JFK

After Snoop Dogg refused to apologize for a video in which he shoots a clown faced President Trump with a marijuana gun, Trump then attacked Barrack Obama and accused the former president of shooting president John F Kennedy.

Trump sparked the latest outrage by tweeting that Obama should be investigated in the JFK conspiracy because, “he’s African American after all.”

The several tweets together read: “Breitbart had a story on it, if people read the real news they would know Obama shot JFK. Obama needs to be investigated on JFK’s assassination, he’s African-American after all, and maybe not even American, so we need to find out all we can–maybe Russia can find out that Obama’s dad was involved.”

Democratic lawmakers and the media have questioned the President’s claim as Barrack Obama was born in 1961 and would have been a toddler when President Kennedy was assassinated.

Capitol Hill Republicans were reluctant to refute their capricious boss’s latest claims, with Senator Lindsay Graham going so far as to vow to get to the bottom of the allegations.

“If we need to get former president Obama to testify to his whereabouts on the day that JFK was shot, we’ll do what it takes to help President Trump with his delusions. To further that end, I’ve directed our new senate subcommittee to find out what if any involvement Barrack Obama had in the JFK assassination.”

For his part Barrack Obama was on vacation from the insanity on Earth and was orbiting the Moon with his friends, billionaire Richard Branson and Snoop Dogg. The trio is on Branson’s Virgin Galactic near-earth spaceship, the Chocolate Kush.

GOP In Private: We Elected A Madman Who Needs A Lobotomy

It seems the Republican experiment with putting a crazy person in to the White House is not working out quite as planned.

As the tale of the president’s escape from a mental institution in 1965 spreads, calls for him to be lobotomized are growing.

John McCain, barely stirring from a deep narcoleptic sleep, admonished the president when he talked to CNN’s Jake Tapper.

“Eventually the president will–let’s just say ‘fabricate’ a story about something really important like the Russian submarine sandwich crisis, or why the Chinese are pretending that global warming is real. Then it’s going to be like the boy who cried wolf when a crisis happens and he needs to explain things to the American people.”

Anonymous Sources™ in DC say a Republican push for President Trump to finally undergo a lobotomy is gathering momentum, as one such source told this reporter:

“The Republicans think a lobotomy will really address his lack of impulse control on Twitter, and that’s where he’s getting in to trouble.”

Adding strength to the argument for a presidential lobotomy is the story of  Trump’s escape from a mental institution in 1965 that is only now being reported on.

Paul “What me worry?” Ryan continued to deny there were any concerns about the president’s mental health and erratic behavior.

“There’s no health issue here, the media is just playing their role trying to create a story, and even if the president really did need a lobotomy, there would not be an inch of daylight between he and I on where we see this country going.”

White House Intruder Is Chris Christie

When Secret Service agents caught a half naked man trying to sneak in to the White House at midnight with a backpack, they suspected a terrorist attack or an unstable person. Amazingly, Secret Service agents didn’t recognize the man who repeatedly said, “I used to be friends with the President,” as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

Christie had lap band surgery shortly after the 2016 election and is almost unrecognizable at his current weight of 85 pounds with 25 of those pounds coming from his head.

At first Secret Service agents didn’t recognize White House intruder Chris Christie because he has lost so much weight.

Agent Ignatius Koenigi of the Secret Service said Christie was wearing a backpack with a picnic lunch and massage oils inside it and seemed highly agitated. Christie insisted to Koenigi and the other agents who intercepted him that if he could just talk to President Trump, the president would OK his presence at the White House and lend him a pair of Melania’s sweatpants so he wouldn’t be hanging around in just his underwear.

Instead of waking the president, the Secret Service handed Christie over to DC Metro Police who were feeding him before sending him for a med/psych evaluation.

Agent Koenigi, who likes to be called Iggy, said he feels for the governor and his precarious condition.

“You kind of feel sorry for the guy: the other thing he repeated over and over again was, ‘The President doesn’t need me anymore now that he has Putin.’ Christie’s crazy and he feels so hurt, it was really tragic to see a respected man–a governor no less–have a breakdown like this and fall so far.”

Dr. Walt Lee of George Washington Hospital in DC said Christie’s condition could be due to the extreme weight loss.

“When patients lose so much weight and don’t get enough calories they can develop dementia and even brain damage, his doctors will likely try to get him to gain some weight and see if his condition improves.”

President Trump promised that Christie would receive the best care possible at a Trumpcare Hospital which prompted Christie’s family to file for a court order to move him to private care at an undisclosed location.

Trump Resigns, Blames Media Witch Hunt

Women march in celebration of Trump’s resignation from the presidency.

Dodging investigations and possible impeachment, President Donald Trump resigned from office after giving a rambling, and angry speech reminiscent of President Nixon’s resignation speech.

Obama, the FBI, and Hillary Clinton were on Trump’s list of antagonists, but the media took the brunt of the disgraced president’s ire as he spoke one last time as president from the White House bowling alley.

“CNN, Mother Jones, Politico–now that I’m a private citizen I’m going to be looking into suing the press–and that fake news outlet The Spoof and their little dog too. You know your ratings are going in the toilet since you won’t have me to kick around anymore.”

It’s unclear what little dog Trump was referring to, but TV’s Doctor Drew said Trump may be having a flashback from the movie the Wizard of OZ since crowds celebrating his departure have been singing “The Witch is Dead.”

The spontaneous celebrations broke out worldwide as Trump was still giving his parting speech: in London’s Parliament Square, tens of thousands celebrated Trump’s fall and normally restrained judges donned Trump wigs in silent support of the crowds; in Washington DC the festive crowd was estimated in the hundreds of thousands; in Manhattan traffic was blocked for blocks around Trump Tower as jubilant crowds surrounded the building and jeered The Donald.

Mexico’s celebrations of course were the largest with huge parties and parades in most cities. Mexico also sent waves of pregnant women with anchor babies to the US in anticipation of an improving economy.

Elected democrats were more reserved in their reactions, many cited the damage done to the institution of clowning and the US’s standing with the rest of the world and her allies.

Senator Chuck Schumer took a somber tone as he spoke at a fundraiser for ethnic restaurants in California while declining to mention Trump by name.

“We see the damage this man has done to reality television and to Indian restaurants, and it’s going to be a long slow recovery to get back to where we were before this aberration.”

Obama Admits He Booby-Trapped The Presidency

Will Barrack Obama face treason charges for sabotaging President Trump?

Former president Barrack Obama finally broke cover and confessed to Access Hollywood corespondent Jill Martin that he engineered many of the problems plaguing President Trump.

“The Michael Flynn scandal, Obamacare entrenchment, The FBI wire taps–I even had the White House bathrooms painted ‘Whites’ and ‘Colored’ so people would blame it on Steve Bannon.”

While holding back laughter, Obama explained why he admitted to something that will make him even more hated by half of the country and could even land him in jail.

“Look, I promised the American people I would speak out if I felt our core values were being threatened, and there’s too much going on in the world that we need to attend to. I want to let the President know what happened so he can get on to fixing the real stuff that I didn’t create, like the Russian hacking, the North Korean missile tests, global warming and so on. So…”

Barrack Obama then looked into the camera and deadpanned, “Mr. President, you’ve been punked,” then broke into a smile.

Capitol leakers say President Trump was furious with his staff after the revelations, the president even kicked the White House dog, Sean Spicer, as he stormed out of the oval office. Now his staff is tasked with holding another campaign style rally to cheer up the disheartened President Trump.

The US Congress and Senate have begun multiple and concurrent investigations into charges of treason against Obama.

Utah Senator Jason Chaffetz (R-Scumbag) promised a thorough investigation of the case.

“This investigation is going to be like Tiger Woods at a miniature golf course, Benghazi will pale in comparison. I’ll make Barrack Obama testify for months if I have to.”