Sparking yet another constitutional crisis, President Trump has fired the Supreme Court and assembled a panel of current and former American Idol judges to rubber stamp his Cinco de Mayo ban and other controversial policies.
Simon Cowell, Paris Hilton, and Christina Aguilera are the only holdouts yet to sign their loyalty pledges: Cowell claims that previous contractual obligations prevent him from signing the pledge; Aguilera claims diva privileges; and Paris Hilton is having her family’s team of lawyers examine the contract.
But it’s the timing of the Supreme Court’s demise that stinks of a Nixonian cover-up according to top Democrat Chuck Schumer (D-Apoplectic).
“This smacks of obstruction of justice by the president. The Supreme court was set to decide if a shitting president can be sued, so what if the president had his office chair converted to a toilet and claims he is always going to the bathroom and therefore can’t be sued. While it may be unpleasant to be sued while going to the bathroom, the fact that you are sitting on a toilet all the time does not inoculate you from lawsuits.”
The president for his part made a veiled threat on Twitter against anyone who might dispute his right to be on the shitter all the time.
“I’m always doing the country’s business, even while doing my own business. Anyone who leaks otherwise, well, they better hope the audio tapes don’t come out.”
Fired Justice Ruth Bader-Ginsburg caused an uproar after commenting on the president’s method of delivering the news of their firing.
“I can’t believe he sent the letter by bike messenger, it’s so insulting, why didn’t he just send it by camel?”
The former justice later apologized and said she did not mean to suggest that the work bike messengers do is not important.
House majority leader Paul Ryan was silent for a full twenty four hours before sharing his thoughts with reporters about the president’s new court.
“I can’t control what American Idol judges are going to do, so I’m concentrating on what I can control. Now excuse me, I have to go to the men’s room.”
Other GOP leaders, like Senator Lindsey Graham (R-only half insane), were more enthusiastic with their praise for the new reality TV based court.
“Instead of one or two nominations in his term to an increasingly partisan and out of touch Supreme Court, the president has injected fresh energy into the judicial process with this new Court of the White House.
Senate scarecrow Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell had little to say about Trump’s new court, other than putting the blame on Democrats for impeding the implementation of the president’s executive orders.
“Have you seen Nancy Pelosi’s face? That’s the look of too much Botox or something, and that’s why the president doesn’t need all these tiresome checks and balances on his authority.”