RT-News, Moscow: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized last night after an apparent suicide attempt.
It seems Spicer was so stressed over the media witch hunt against his boss that he ate a bunch of radioactive polonium-210 mixed with Russian salad dressing.
Spicer’s life was probably saved by the presence of Congressman Devin Nunes: Nunes was doing some late night plumbing work on the capitol grounds when he found Spicer ill and unable to move in a secure viewing area.
Doctor Angel Stover at DC University Medical Center said if Spicer recovers from the poison he will likely have lingering health problems.
“If he had been discovered a few hours later, he might not have survived at all. We’ll have to wait and see how much damage there is to his organs, but at the least he’s going to set off radiation detectors for years to come.”
Hospital staff alerted the police and FBI to the fact that Spicer kept repeating the word “Russians” when he was first brought in, prompting them to wonder if it was a poisoning instead of a suicide attempt.
Devin Nunes denied any Russian links to the incident when he gave a press conference this morning at the White House.
“No one has seen any evidence that points to a Russian plot to harm Mr. Spicer. Now when I found him, he kept saying “the Russians” over and over again, but people are misreading that to mean that he was trying to implicate the Russians in something. So look, police discovered that he had written a suicide letter and so it makes sense that he was the one who mixed the polonium in with the Russian salad dressing before he ate it—so he was just warning us to keep anyone else from eating the Russian dressing.”
Spicer remains hospitalized in a politically induced state of coma while under heavy security.